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UPCOMING ISSUES |
TODDLERPlayground etiquette every parent should know
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------ Playground etiquette every parent should know The sun is shining and the playground is calling. You load up the stroller and the kids. Drinks? Check. Extra diaper? Check. Snacks? Check. Hat and sunscreen? Check. And you’re off. But hold on there. Playgrounds can be intimidating places. And if you think I mean for the kids, you would be wrong. Kids get it. Play wild and free—what kid doesn’t know that? (Well, actually I’m sure we all know or have seen a few of those.) But for parents, playgrounds can be places of long-lost memories, and unclear boundaries. Unfortunately the rules of the playground aren’t posted. Everyone is expected to know. And we all know that isn’t always the case. Playgrounds are standard in almost all communities these days. Just to give you an idea of how important they are to most municipalities, in the city of Vancouver alone, there are 150 playground structures, with another 15 separate park projects underway right now and more expected in the future. There is no doubt that playground play is a microcosm of the world. It is often where kids learn essential lifelong social skills. Melissa Leonard is a certified business etiquette and international protocol consultant. She is also a mother of two. While she has worked with a number of Fortune 100 corporations, she also offers help and advice on etiquette for kids. Leonard has come up with a simple list of dos and don’ts to help parents, and kids, navigate the playground. DO keep an eye on your child: It is your responsibility as a parent/caregiver to watch for dangerous play, not sharing and hitting. DO share: The playground is a free for all in terms of pails, shovels, and chalk. Once an item arrives, it is fair game. Teach your child to share, not grab and ask permission before using something. DO intervene: If you see a child doing something dangerous, don’t assume his caregiver/parent is watching. Help to remind the child that their behaviour is dangerous and find the parent/caregiver to let them know. DO pay attention: You don’t want to be that parent who has the child who runs wild, grabs, throws sand and bullies. DON’T be a playground gossip: The playground can be like high school. Stay out of the gossip because you don’t want to be labeled a trouble-maker. DON’T get mad when older kids hog the equipment: If it seems like older kids may knock over your child, go over and say, “We’ll come back on the jungle gym when you are done playing,” and take your child and engage him elsewhere. DON’T assume: There are three sides to the story—each child’s version and then the truth. Don’t assume your child did nothing wrong. Leonard says it is important to remember that kids often become territorial at playgrounds. The fun and excitement of it all can cause simple manners to go out the window. Ann Hainsworth, mom to a busy one-year-old, remembers an incident involving her nephew at a neighbourhood playground. She says there was one child who wouldn’t let her nephew, Kurtie, go past him on a bridge to the slide. Kurtie and Hainsworth were more than a little perturbed but Hainsworth used redirection to avoid a problem. “The parent of the other little boy, from what I could tell, was not prepared to discipline his child let alone introduce the concept of sharing.” Hainsworth says it worked out well, but it was her first real lesson in what you deal with at a playground as a parent. On the other hand, parents/caregivers often see the playground as their break, a way for kids to keep busy while they catch up with other mothers and have some quiet time. Leonard says you want to stay focused and remember, in regards to conflicts, it is not who is right, but what is right. Heidi Van Ast-Hyland is a mother of two young boys. One bad incident comes to mind for her. She says a four-year-old boy was playing in the playhouse and decided it would be okay to kick another boy in the mouth as he was coming up the ladder. “His tooth went through his lip, blood was everywhere and the mother of the kicker blamed the other boy for getting too close,” says Van Ast-Hyland. According to Safe Kids Canada (safekidscanada.ca) an estimated 20,000 to 30,000 Canadian children need medical attention every year for playground injuries. More than 1,700 children are hospitalized. Eighteen playground deaths have been reported since 1982. Booth Palmer, Citywide Coordinator, Child and Youth Recreation Services for the Vancouver Board of Parks and Recreation, says what ultimately drives park upgrades is safety and condition of the park and its play amenities. “The average lifetime of a park playground is about 15 years, but if you divide five or six playgrounds a year into 150 parks, it equals 25 to 30 years before the marching band comes to your local playground.” As far as rules go, Palmer says while the idea that the rules we learned in kindergarten apply, he admits it’s a lot more complicated than that. Palmer says there are issues of race and culture, sexual identity, and new definitions of family these days, and all of these factors come into play at playgrounds. He says ultimately it comes down to parents, guardians, and caregivers. “Parks and playgrounds see the most diverse use and diverse representation of our citizens as anything,” sums up Palmer. “They are accessible, they are numerous and they are free. They are often taken for granted but are amongst the most effective use of public space. You don’t need a permit. You don’t have to have permission. And they are just there.” Let’s face it: playgrounds let kids be kids. And give parents a sweet glimpse into their child’s world and maybe even bring back fond memories of days gone by when they ran wild and carefree in the neighbourhood playground. ------ Walk on the wild side: introduce your kids to nature I remember hiking the Chief (near Squamish) when our family headcount was still down to two. A young family was hiking, too – with a very young baby, probably no older than three months. While I personally thought, and still think, that taking a baby that young on steep rocks is a bit early, I do understand that parents want to take their little ones out and teach them how to enjoy the beauty nature has to offer. Here are a few suggestions for helping your toddler become a nature lover early in life. Go for the Mountain Top Observe the forest together. There will be birds to hear; a little rustling here and there, signaling little forest animals scurrying away; and, of course, creeks with little creatures dancing in the water. Before you know it, you’ll get to the end of the trail and your child might just say, “Again!” Or he might ask you to carry him home, because the first hike was extremely tiring. Either way, celebrate his first hike with pride and joy. Prepare for this special first hike with a map for your child to carry and read. Show him where the trail starts and where it ends. Expect your child to be excited at the beginning and beg to cancel five minutes later. Toddlers are indeed unpredictable, but they are also incredibly curious people. Ultimately, all you can do is prepare your child for the hike without putting too much pressure on him or yourself, and hope for the best. You know your child best, and you know when to stop, or gently prod for more action. Remember, everybody should have fun, including you. Bike Along Bike along the seawall in Stanley Park in Vancouver, or choose your own biking route. Stop along the way to rest, and make sure you pack snacks and water for your child. The goal is to make the biking trip fun and most importantly, to make the trip so much fun that your toddler will ask for seconds. Talk to your little one about what you see along the way – from trees to earthworms and snails. For a special treat, pack your bikes and head over to one of the islands – there are beautiful and very peaceful biking routes, with plenty of natural beauty to enjoy and share with your child. Beachcombing Start your beachcombing adventure by packing picnic supplies and sand toys. Make sure you bring a shovel so your toddler can dig for treasures. A little box to hold fragile crab skeletons and other not-so-fragile shells and rocks is a must. Draw a map of the beach section you set out to explore, and let your toddler decide where the resting stops are. You might advance very slowly, and that’s fine. Rushing to the destination will only add pressure and might make your child give up too easily. There is a myriad of special things you can do to introduce your toddler to nature. Look for activities that are safest, keeping in mind that toddlers are unpredictable little human beings, which is why canoeing (and being on a boat in general) is not recommended until you know for sure that safety instructions are perfectly understood. Toddlers are enthusiastic though, which is bound to make most nature exploring trips enjoyable for both children and parents. So go ahead, introduce your toddler to nature and let him introduce you to his world of wonder. ------ The parents’ ‘Plaintalk Guide to Potty Training’ Potty training has always been high-stakes territory for parents and, these days, parents can feel like they’re getting bombarded with toilet-training advice – much of it conflicting – from all directions. Grandparents don’t understand why their grandchildren stay in diapers until past their third birthday – a full year longer than the previous generation of children did. Parents are faced with more diapering and toilet-training options than ever before – including the option to have their children go diaper-free right from day one. And advocates of the child-led versus parent-led toilet-training schools of thought sometimes forget that there’s an exception to every potty-training rule. So how is a parent supposed to make sense of all the conflicting theories, to say nothing of the products designed to cash in on parent potty anxiety? I suggest checking out some of the latest research on toilet training. Here’s a quick summary of some key findings from some of the more noteworthy studies published in the past five years or so, along with my take on what these studies mean to you and your child. There’s little benefit to starting toilet training before age 27 months. Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania found that if you start training children at a younger age, the entire process takes longer. The takeaway message? Toilet training will be easier on you and your child if your child is both physically and emotionally ready to begin toilet training. You may be able to spot and head off some of the early warning signs of toilet training problems. Stool training refusal – a problem that occurs in approximately one in four young children, according to researchers at the University of Pennsylvania – is typically precipitated by hard bowel movements and pain during defecation. If parents can head off or detect these earlier problems, problems with stool training refusal can often be avoided. Note: The researchers discovered that hiding while having a bowel movement in a diaper is often associated with constipation, stool withholding (holding back a bowel movement), and stool toileting refusal. If you notice that your toddler hides behind the sofa whenever he needs to poop in his diaper, it could be a sign that your child is constipated or he experiences discomfort whenever he has a bowel movement – difficulties that could lead to stool training refusal when you start trying to toilet train him down the road. Temperament plays a key role in how easy – or how difficult – the toilet training process will be. Researchers at the Harvard Medical School found that children whose parents described the experience of trying to toilet train their child as “difficult” were likely to have temperamental traits that are often categorized as “difficult.” Children in this group were likely to hide when it was time to have a bowel movement (74%) and to ask for a pull-up when they needed to have a bowel movement (37%). What’s more, researchers at the University of Maryland discovered that sticker charts and other similar reward systems (like Smarties!) can backfire with shy children, making them so anxious about not being able to perform that they may decide to opt out of the potty program. Girls tend to be toilet-trained earlier than boys, but there’s huge variation from child to child when it comes to acquiring individual skills. Researchers at the Medical College of Wisconsin, Milwaukee found that the median age for “staying dry during the day” was 32.5 months for girls and 35 months for boys, but there was variation of up to a year in the attainment of individual skills (e.g., showing an interest in using the potty, staying dry for two hours, indicating a need to go to the bathroom). Most children don’t show signs of readiness for toilet training until after two years of age. Keeping your child in diapers during the toilet-training process can be counter-productive. Researchers at the University of Nevada discovered that wearing diapers increased the rate of accidents (eg, wetting the diaper) and decreased the number of successful trips to the potty. More children with special needs are capable of being toilet trained than previously believed. Researchers at the Continence Clinic in Prescot, Merseyside, UK, discovered that the best approach to determining whether a particular child is a good candidate for toilet training is to assess bladder and bowel maturation. The researchers noted that a number of children who were once considered incapable of toilet training can become continent. To help your child learn to use the toilet, break down each of the tasks your child will have to master into a series of sub-tasks and then work on each of those subtasks individually: tuning into body signs, controlling muscles, getting to a potty/toilet in time, managing clothing, getting on/off toilet, managing on/off skills, handwashing/disinfecting. Toilet Training: The Quick Guide • Understand that your child has to be physically and emotionally ready for toilet training. Pressuring your child to start toilet training when your child isn’t ready isn’t merely counterproductive, it can be extremely stressful for your child. • You’ll know that your child is ready when she can hold urine for a couple of hours at a time (as opposed to constantly emptying her bladder into her diaper); when she shows signs of understanding what’s happening with her body (e,.g., her facial expressions change, her posture changes, she uses gestures or words to indicate that something is happening); when she is motivated to want to wear “big kid underwear” or to get rid of her diapers and to want to use the potty or the toilet; when she has the skills necessary to get herself on and off the potty/toilet and to get her clothing on/off (or indicating that she needs help). • To teach your child to urinate on the potty, give your child regular opportunities to sit on the potty throughout the day (and/or ask your childcare provider to do so). • Offer liquids on a regular basis to ensure that those treks to the potty or the toilet are rewarded with success. • Don’t get angry with your child when she has an accident while she’s learning to use the potty. Accidents are an inevitable part of the toilet-training process, just like tumbles are a natural part of learning to ride a bike. • Bear in mind that toilet-related fears are common – whether it’s getting splashed, falling in, or not wanting to use “strange” toilets (with the definition of “strange” being completely in the eye of the potty beholder). Some parents report that their child has the opposite problem: a fixation with test-driving every toilet within miles. • Remember that day training occurs before night training and that bowel training occurs before urine training. ------ Teaching tot to play nice You’ve been looking forward to playgroup for days. Practically living for it during some of the rougher points in your week. It’s what motivated you to get your feet out from under the covers and on to the bedroom floor long this morning (that and the sing-song-y chanting of your toddler’s voice from down the hall signaling that it’s time to get up). But now that you’ve actually made your grand entrance at playgroup, the reality of doing anything with a toddler in tow has overtaken the fantasy once again. Before you can even get your toddler’s jacket and boots off, he’s managed to snatch a toy away from one of his playgroup pals and to tackle someone’s baby brother. Sometimes you wonder if it’s even worth trying to teach this kid social skills. And if you happen to get the look from that mother whose toddler does no wrong you may feel like bailing from playgroup (Secretly, you wish her kid would bite someone just once, so that she’d lose that smug smile. Heck, you’d even offer up your own ankle for bait.) It’s not all fun and games — well at least not at first It’s easy to fall into the trap of expecting little kids to play in big kid ways. Social skills take time to develop and toddlers and preschoolers are miles removed socially from older children. Here’s a quick snapshot of what you can expect from your toddler or preschooler as he begins to learn the friendship ropes. A toddler can be alone in a crowd. If you observe a group of very young toddlers playing in the same room, the first thing that might strike you about the situation is the fact that they may not be paying any attention to one another at all. They can be playing side by side, almost oblivious to one another. They have not yet learned to play with one another. (That will come as they head into the preschool years, at which time they’ll be ready for cooperative play.) The learning really snowballs once kids head into the preschool years. Not only do they have the chance to work on their friendship skills: they also have the opportunity to practice a variety of other important skills and to help one another learn. Once preschoolers start to play with one another cooperatively (as opposed to engaging in parallel or side-by-side play — the typical form of play during the toddler years), they have the opportunity to learn how to problem solve as a group and to respect other people’s thoughts and ideas — a whole new way of learning and thinking. Adults have an important role to play in setting the stage for play. Toddlers and preschoolers are less likely to run into conflicts during playdates and at playgroup if they’re well-rested and well-fed, feeling healthy, and if the environment is well designed for play (e.g., there are enough toys to keep everyone entertained and there’s enough space for everyone to move around without bumping into one another). You’ll find that it works well if you have a variety of activities planned so that you can vary between quieter activities (circle time or story time) and active play (outdoor play). Parents can help toddlers and preschoolers to manage their feelings of frustration. Dealing with other people can be frustrating, even when you’re two or three. But that doesn’t mean that you can haul off and clobber someone with a bucket of blocks. That’s why it’s so important to help your child master strategies for managing the powerful feelings that can arise when you’re really, really mad at playgroup. Playtime tips • Avoid games that overemphasize competition or that tend to get young children all riled up. Very young children simply don’t have the skills to manage the emotions that such games elicit. Stick to more cooperative forms of play instead. Don’t forget to deal with your own feelings of frustration, too. Be honest: it’s tiring playing playgroup referee, so make sure you give yourself regular timeouts. And don’t sweat the fact that it always seems to be your kid who’s tackling someone else for the toy fire truck. It just feels that way. Everyone else’s kid has done their time in the “but I don’t want to share” trenches, whether those parents prepared to admit it or not. They just might not be big on sharing their family’s experiences, you know... Share and share alike ------ Gardening and kids Ask many people about gardening and they claim to have a black thumb. “My mom always made me weed when I was a kid,” is a common refrain, followed closely by, “I always kill everything.” Of course, gardening was a chore for many of us growing up. It was done not with pleasure or the spirit of exploration many gardeners enjoy, but reluctantly. Because of that, some of us may have vowed not to inflict the same torture upon our children. This is a shame, really, because gardening doesn’t have to be a chore. In fact, gardening with your kids is a fantastic way to get them outdoors, teach patience and sensitivity, instill an appreciation for the natural world, and to provide a gateway to a healthy lifelong activity. Let’s set one thing straight: gardening is right up most kids’ alleys. There’s dirt. Bugs. Grass to pluck. Sunshine. As long as it’s introduced in an appealing way, kids will grow to love gardening. But how do you make gardening appealing to a toddler or young child? It’s (mostly) in the head What kind of gardener are you? You might have to relinquish control of an HGTV-worthy colour scheme. After all, your son might love the colour orange – and decide he wants to plant marigolds in your pastels-only garden. You might have to settle for less than perfection in your perennial border (since the tricycle ends up plowing through it anyway). After all, like kids, plants are usually hardier than we think. If, instead, you are of the black-thumb variety, you’ve got nowhere to go but up. Gardening isn’t rocket science. Really – the basics are dirt, sun and water. Anything else – compost, decorative accessories, organic fertilizer – is an added bonus, but not strictly necessary. Sure, you can spend years studying soil science and pest management, but the best way to learn is by trial and error. Don’t be afraid to lose a plant or two – it happens to even the most experienced plantsperson. Find a nursery with knowledgeable staff, and ask for help. Start small, and build on your successes. Take it as an opportunity to learn with your child. Perhaps you’ll both fall in love with gardening! Learning together Children of all ages love to dig in the dirt. Let your kids take the lead in soil preparation; give them their own kid-sized shovel and they’ll happily dig away, discovering – and developing an appreciation for – the worms and other creatures that carry out their lives beneath our feet. Older children can have a garden of their own. It could be a large wooden planter, or a little plot of earth – what it looks like doesn’t really matter. Have them choose what they’d like to plant (with your guidance, of course). Growing together Another way to give children a sense of ownership is to plant a tree for them. Many parents plant a “birth tree” when a child is born. But you can also plant a climbing tree – one that, if planted when your children are toddlers – will be ready to climb by the time they’re nine or 10. Prunus serrulata (Japanese cherry) and Acer rubrum (red maple) are great picks for climbing trees. Garden variety Grow your vegetables Vegetable seeds are affordable way for kids to get into gardening. Together, try: Themed gardens A chocolate garden: Try chocolate-scented plants such as Berlandiera lyrata (Greeneyes or Chocolate Flower), Cosmos atrosanguineus (Chocolate Cosmos), Akebia quinata (Chocolate vine, Five-leaf akebia), Chocolate Mint and Gilia tricolor (Bird’s Eyes). A fairy garden: Find a shady corner and build a house for fairies to visit. Pebbles can be used as stepping stones leading to a tiny door in a tree. Plant small-leafed groundcovers like creeping thyme and mosses. Cup- or bell-shaped flowers such as fritillaria or campanula also make excellent beds for fairies. A soft-and-hairy garden: Combine plants that are interesting to touch, like fuzzy lamb’s ear, wooly thyme, bristly strawflower, Allium “Hair,” and texture-rich ornamental grasses. Scented gardens: try a perfume garden (lavender, rose, mock orange, gardenia, camellia) or perhaps a tea garden (mint, chamomile, lemon balm). Birds and bees Feeding and watching the birds is an easy way for even the youngest child to interact with nature. Build your own birdfeeders (the simplest design involves smearing a pinecone with peanut butter then rolling it in birdseed and hanging the whole thing in a tree or shrub). Start a compost or worm bin. Units can often be bought from your garden centre, City or Municipality. Let your child “feed” his new pets and turn the pile, if able. Plant to attract wildlife. Look for BC-native plants, especially those with flowers, seeds or berries. Butterfly gardens (filled with plants that attract butterflies) are also very popular. Often seed mixes labeled “butterfly mix” are available. You can also try dill, cosmos, alyssum, verbena and salvia. Safety in the garden The garden holds so many life lessons for children – and adults. Why not get into it today? |
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