|
|
UPCOMING ISSUES |
RELATIONSHIPSSex and pregnancy: shoulds and should-nots
|
|||||||
|
|
Sex and pregnancy: shoulds and should-nots If there is one issue that ignites lively conversations among parents-to-be, it is sex during pregnancy. For Eva and Robert Packwood (not their real names) there is no issue though. “As soon as I knew my wife was pregnant, we stopped having sex,” Robert says. Eva admits that she felt quite comfortable with her husband’s decision, since she was very excited about the baby in the first place and quite tired to think about sex anyway. “I could focus on the growing baby and on myself, and we did find other ways to be intimate and maintain a healthy couple life,” Eva says. Three children later, they have a happy family life, which attests that their solution works well. For other families, though, sex is not an issue during pregnancy. “We had sex during the first, second and third trimester, and we even tried to induce labour with sex,” Dahlia and Cole Robertson (not their real names) confess. The facts But, truth be said, there is a lot of excitement surrounding the baby news, and for many women, there is also a sense of relief that sex can happen anytime without worrying about birth control. For the Robertsons, that was one reason to celebrate. “We enjoyed the time Dahlia was pregnant, and realized that we could also enjoy worry-free sex,” they both said. Depending on their sexual habits before pregnancy, many couples will continue to enjoy sex once they are passed the first trimester. Keep in mind though that each woman perceives pregnancy in her own way and may or may not be inclined to have sex anymore. Some men can also feel awkward thinking the growing baby may be bothered by sexual intercourse. As you move towards the second trimester, nausea slowly disappears and you might feel very excited about your new body. For couples who are still having sex, this could be an exciting time, since the body is shapely yet not too large to make it difficult to move. The third trimester is very joyful, since meeting the baby is just around the corner, but at the same time, your belly is big and round, and sex becomes cumbersome as you approach the final days of your pregnancy. You might experience the Braxton-Hicks contractions, which although they don’t last too long, can be rather uncomfortable. They are not the same as the true labour contractions. These uterine contractions happen naturally but they can also be triggered by sex, which is why many couples stop having sex, thinking that it can induce early labour. According to the American Pregnancy Association, the baby is protected by the amniotic liquid and by the mucus plug that seals the cervix and protects against infections. In a low-risk pregnancy sex should not be a concern, health professionals agree. As for the postpartum sex, the issue is anything but clear cut. “It took me almost five months with both my pregnancies to start thinking about sex again,” Sherry Watson (not her real name), a Vancouver mom of two says. Physically speaking, you may be ready for sex as soon as four or six weeks postpartum. Whether you want to is a different story. The baby takes most of your time, attention and energy, your sleep is disrupted and your breasts are leaking. Quite understandably, you may not feel that sex is a priority. Fear of pain also makes many women regard sex with apprehension even if they are healed and have since resumed physical activity. Using lubricants may be a good idea since the vaginal mucosa is rather dry if you are breastfeeding. Make sure your partner feels special by allowing him to get involved in caring for the baby. Most moms will acknowledge that seeing their partners help with the baby and the household needs almost acts like a subtle aphrodisiac. It’s a win-win situation. First and second time around If you are pregnant and caring for a young child as well, expect to be tired and exhausted at time, especially during the first trimester. Light exercise may improve your chances of feeling better physically, and more open towards the sex topic. Don’t feel bad if you opt for temporary abstinence, but do make sure your partner feels special too during this time. Whether you take a walk together or have a candle-lit dinner at home or in a restaurant, do find the time to connect with your partner and learn each other’s worries and desires. So we can do it, but how? Ideally, you should let your body set the pace, when and how to become intimate. If sexual intercourse seems too much for you, try massage and cuddling. Let your imagination run free and you’ll find ways to discover new ways of feeling intimate and connected. Word of caution: Pregnant women should make sure that no air is blown into the vagina if oral sex is performed. It could cause air embolism (blocking of a blood vessel), which is a life-threatening situation for both mother and baby. No sex, thank you Sometimes there are medical reasons for abstinence, and according to the Mayo Clinic, sex during pregnancy is not an option for couples who may be experiencing one of the following: Whether you decide to have sex or not, or whether you are allowed to by your health practitioner, make sure you discuss it with your partner. Embrace the new situation with humour rather than frustration as much as you can help it and enjoy every second of it. Pregnancy is a unique time in a couple’s life, and it should be celebrated accordingly. True or False? 2. Lying with legs or hips raised after sex will improve the chances of conceiving. 3. Cough syrup helps getting you pregnant. ------- How to keep your marriage healthy It was a Thursday night. My husband and I had a much-needed date night. After prying off two clingy children, we headed for the restaurant. As we sat across the table from each other, we both made a few attempts to talk, but there was a sense of distance, sitting between us like a grumpy chaperone. Driving home I fought back tears as visions of divorce danced before my eyes. Date nights are important, but they need to come on a solid foundation of positive daily interactions. Dr. John Gottman is an American professor of psychology who has spent a lifetime studying marriage, and he is an expert on the subtle differences in tone and wording that create a positive or negative feeling in a relationship. After years of scientific analysis, he says he can now can predict with 91 percent accuracy whether or not a couple is heading for divorce, just from listening to them talk about a heated issue for as little as five minutes! Say more ‘thank-you’s Give detailed appreciation Tune in to the positive Write a list of the things you love about your partner. Get specific and include examples. Read it when you need to retune yourself to the positive. Bring up your concerns with caring • Start with “I…” vs. “You...” Have fun together and embrace humour Changing the patterns of interaction in a relationship takes time. Be gentle with yourself and your partner as you work on building new habits. People who stay happily married live on average four years longer and get sick 35 percent less than those who divorce or stay in an unhappy marriage. A healthy committed relationship is truly one of the greatest gifts you can give yourselves and your children. And when you take care of the daily interactions, date nights will be a source of joy again. ------- Sex after kids? It really can happen Maintaining intimacy after having children is not exactly a piece of cake. There are plenty of reasons to keep postponing what used to be a source of great pleasure and relaxation: lack of adequate sleep, tiredness and irritability due to the many changes in your new family, not to mention a physical lack of sexual appetite due to the presence of hormones in moms of newborns. But there are parents who manage to guard and, even more, improve their love life. How do they do it? Small Ambitions “We had been together for almost 10 years before having our son, and we both wanted to have children. Yet after the first couple of months, we found ourselves fighting over the smallest thing. Sex was the last thing we could possibly think of,” says Margaret Johnson*. The best thing is to start slowly and give your body and your mind time to adjust to the new situation. It is not easy to care for a new, very demanding little person. Sharing the load is a great way of opening the communication channels. New mothers find it very romantic to have the new dads help with housework and caring for the baby. Having Dad cook dinner every now and then, and fold the laundry without even being asked, suddenly redefines sexiness in a man. “Little things matter so much,” says Johnson. “I laugh now but I found myself preferring a clean house – by somebody else – to a nice bouquet of flowers. I fell in love with my husband all over again for understanding that. Suddenly sex was just a step away,” she says. Time is of the Essence “We stay close with each other, stealing kisses and hugs, holding hands, cuddling together,” says Deborah Lang*, mother of two. Taking a holiday away from children, after they are old enough and not completely dependent on you, is a nice way to reconnect and recharge batteries. Worry not about exotic places, either. Make use of something close at hand. “Many times we have just booked a local hotel room for an evening and came home the next day feeling totally refreshed, like we had been gone for days,” says Lang. Many experts recommend that parents schedule dates in order to make time for each other, and some swear by it, but let’s face it: the thought of having to do something else on top of what you are already doing might kill the fun. If you are the spontaneous type, then by all means forget the agenda. Keep in mind though that since it is not a scheduled event, it might not happen very often, yet when it does, it is worth the wait. So take your pick! Parents Have Fun “We talk a lot throughout the day, we communicate our feelings often,” says Kathryn Moore*, mother of two. “We try to spend time together, having a quiet dinner without the kids, or an occasional getaway. They all help reconnecting.” Secondly, don’t be too hard on yourself. Mothers, especially, have a hard time seeing themselves sexy after having children. After a whole day of running errands, wiping little noses, breaking fights and resolving tantrums, sexy is not exactly the word that many would use to characterize their appearance. It is probably important to know that most men do not see their partners less sexy after they had children. Lack of desire is mostly due to lack of time and being tired. Sleep becomes equally important to having sex, and many parents prefer a good night’s sleep to being intimate. That’s when understanding each other really comes into play. Lack of sleep is the first thing we want to correct. Once that’s straightened out, intimacy will follow. Parents may share different work loads when it comes to producing an income and/or running a household, but it is important that they have understanding for each other and don’t sweat the small stuff. Maintaining intimacy is tricky enough when you are a parent, which brings us to the third commandment: Give your spouse a little attention every day. A back rub, a hug, a kiss, a touch on the hand. “I love you” can be spelled in many ways, and gestures sometimes speak volumes. It’s the kids you mostly care about, parents say, but a happy family starts with happy Mom and Dad. Don’t feel intimidated to show your love for your spouse in front of your children by kissing, hugging or holding hands. You are teaching them one of the greatest lessons in life. With love you can create a beautiful thing: harmony. And family life is all about that |
|||||||
