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UPCOMING ISSUES |
PARENTING Bringing baby home without the bacon
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------ Bringing baby home without the bacon Having a baby is a big life change. It is a time of excitement and anticipation. There is so much to do: shopping, taking folic acid, prepping the nursery. But many forget to plan financially for the arrival of your bundle of joy. Children are expensive. Statistics show the first 12 months of a baby’s life can cost more than $10,000. What about all those years after? Gayla Cook, branch manager at Coast Capital Savings Credit Union, and mom to 13-month-old Evan, says planning ahead is the key. “It’s the best advice but it’s hard to follow. If you can plan ahead, if you can make some small decisions ahead of time, it will eliminate the extra stress, the financial stress.” Cook admits money is the last thing any new parent wants to worry about when baby gets home. The first thing to do, says Cook, is find out if you qualify for Employment Insurance (EI). There are a lot of people who just don’t know the requirements. It’s a good idea to do this when you are thinking about getting pregnant, or at least early on so you can make a financial plan. “If you are eligible for employment insurance, the basic benefit rate is 55 percent of your average insured earnings up to a yearly maximum insurable amount of $41,100. This means you can receive a taxable maximum payment of $435 per week,” says Cook. Then it’s time to get a budget together. Cook says it’s important to first find out what you are spending before baby arrives, where the money goes and what are the discretionary things that maybe you can live without. Remember, you could be living on a lot less than you are used to. You also need to start factoring in all those additional baby costs, like diapers, wipes and clothes. That is exactly what Krista Boyak and her husband did before their 13-month-old daughter Sophia arrived. “We kept track of our receipts for a month to see where our money was really going. We even kept track of parking meters, coffee, and all the little stuff.” Boyak, who is home with her daughter, says they try to stick to a budget and, every once in a while, they monitor their spending to see if they are really on track. Cook says when you are planning a budget remember that EI payments are usually issued within 28 days from the claiming filing day. That means there will be a two-week unpaid waiting period before the benefits kick in. There is a relatively easy and painless way to start stashing away cash for your maternity or parental leave, she says. “I set up an automatic special term deposit. Only on my payday, every two weeks, $100 or $50 went into this term deposit and it made a little bit of interest, more interest than if it were in a savings account. I just knew in the back of my mind that was there and that would help me.” Automatic deposits were key for Brad Scott and his wife Tracey before six-month-old daughter Imogen arrived. Scott says using automatic deposits into a savings account really helped. Scott has some advice for would-be parents: “Use automatic payments to pay down your debt and put some money aside so you’re prepared for the drastic cut in pay.” Mike Dezell, and his wife Jennifer, did start stashing away money before their son Samuel arrived. “During Jennifer’s pregnancy she began to put a portion of her pay cheque aside each month in a ‘For Baby Only’ account,” says Dezell. He and his wife wanted their son to be cared for at home until he turns two and that is why Dezell is now a stay-at-home Dad. “Jennifer took a full-year leave from her work and after then it was up to me.” Dezell has his own landscape construction business, so he closed up shop this past January to begin his year at home with Sam. He admits that while having a child was the best thing they have ever done, it was much more than they thought it would be, in every way, including expenses. “We’ve actually begun to operate within a budget for the first time in our lives, in the last two months,” Dezell says. Finally Gayla Cook says parents should buy life and/or disability insurance. “Disability in particular,” says Cook. “The chance of you being killed is very slim, but the chance of you getting into a car accident and hurting your back are quite high and then now you are off work.” She says it’s all about protecting your family. “No one wants to talk about it, no one wants to spend the money, but it could be absolutely the most critical thing that you do.” A little financial planning can go a long way. ------ Play-date anxiety: how to handle the goodbye blues It was a great afternoon at the park with friends, but now it’s time to go. I must admit I am already tensing up because I know what’s coming. The crying, whining, the negotiating, and even a little forceful protesting—all that from my five-year old. It’s not something new; it has been something we have struggled with in our house since our daughter was about two years old. She never wants to leave friends, neighbours, or her grandparents’ house. Sound familiar? It does for Patsy Spanos. She is the mother of two-and-a-half year-old twins and a five-year-old boy. She says she noticed things weren’t going smoothly when she put her oldest son in daycare ahead of the arrival of the twins. “From the very start, his reaction was out of the normal range. I am talking about crying and screaming at the top of his lungs not for a little while but until his little lungs couldn’t provide him the ability to go any longer,” says Spanos. “He gets very attached to his friends and teachers, and struggles when they leave or he leaves the classroom or play date.” Play-dates are king these days. What kid would be without a few play-dates on his social calendar? Parents spend a lot of time making sure our children have friends and play-dates but how much time do we take to teach our kids how to be good friends and have good play-dates? Parenting expert and author, Alyson Schafer says, “Like anything else, I would treat it like a power struggle. I would treat it as a discipline issue that you need to train around.” Schafer says it’s important to set the ground rules early. Let children know the expectations (for example, we are going to help our friends clean up, and when it is time to go we leave nicely). Schafer says the thing to do is set up artificial play-dates with friends or neighbours, somewhere you go fairly regularly. She recommends talking to them about the expectations with your child. And at the point of leaving, she says to offer choice. When it is time to go, we need to say thank-you and go quietly. Parents need to make it clear to their child: If you can’t leave play-dates nicely, we will need to take a pass the next time. “The trick is to give opportunity for success the next time. So maybe they have trouble on Monday, you skip Tuesday, but you know that you will be going on Wednesday,” says Schafer. Spanos says communication is key for her. “I have lengthy conversations as to why it is time for his friend to go and why the school year has ended. Talking him through the scenario and not being hard on him and taking baby steps in every situation helps.” She also adds, “I give my child a very clear explanation as to when he will have a play-date with that child by saying ‘Alexander I promise you will see Brenda after three sleeps.’” She also uses song to make sure there is a happy, snappy goodbye, something Schafer says is important. Singing songs lightens the air a bit and makes the dramatic scene that is about to happen more pleasant for everybody involved. Schafer says sometimes it is just a matter of time, until they start to realize they get more play dates when they behave properly. She stresses it is important to remember “you don’t have to be brilliant in the moment—you offer the choice and the teachable moment comes when you don’t go swimming the next time.” The other tip Schafer says is essential to play-date success is to be clear with kids. Marking dates on a calendar is an easy way to do that. “So often why kids don’t want things to end is they have no perceived control in their lives. It seems like it’s controlled and scheduled to us because we keep so much information in our heads and we think they have that same knowledge we do and they don’t. So if they see that it’s a play-date, it’s a commitment, it’s on the calendar then it’s something to look forward to,” says Schafer. The other component to that is a family meeting. Schafer recommends weekly family meetings. It gives children a chance to feel they are involved in the planning. “If you establish that you do have meetings, that you do work collaboratively and things worked out in your child’s favour, then they will fight you less. They realize there are other ways to get what they want without using power and domination,” adds Schafer. I think the key is to remember to stay calm. Schafer says it’s a matter of making the plan, and working the plan. It can be a challenge for the best parent. “First-time mothers always take everything personally and when my child was displaying this anxiety every time we left a play-date or entered a new environment, I felt like it was all me and I was doing something incredibly wrong as a mother,” says Spanos. “I wish I didn’t take it so seriously from the start.” As for me and my daughter? It’s a work in progress. And I like to remember, they are only young for a short time and then they grow up and go off with their friends. More tips for a successful play-date ------ Fast and furious toddlers: how to talk to a 2-year-old I never knew that a small Lego piece can throw a seemingly happy toddler into such rage—a mountain of frustration crumbling down in front of my eyes. My mind searches for quick solutions: do I put the Lego piece where my son wanted to but did not manage to? Do I simply wait it out? My youngest son is two, and a typical two-year-old, I might add. He laughs with all his heart, he is curious and funny, but every now and then he throws a good old tantrum, a reminder that he has along way to go until he can keep his emotions in check. And that is perfectly normal, according to Shari Bender, a registered child and family psychologist in Vancouver. As soon as they emerge from the baby stage, toddlers are experiencing bigger feelings, Bender says. These feelings will include joy and happiness, but will most certainly include anger and frustration. One of the parents’ jobs is to teach their children about feelings. Toddlers get a sense of personal power, a sense of themselves, and that makes them say “no” more often, she adds. This is why parents should set boundaries, but also allow their children to express their emotions in a healthy and socially acceptable way. Toddlers between two and four are amazing creatures. They are inquisitive and sweet, but they can switch disposition rather quickly. From the sheer frustration of not being able to perform a physical task, to being denied a treat or a certain much-coveted object, things could make your child explode with frustration. Knowing how to talk to them about feelings and knowing how to set boundaries will help them manage their emotions. Wrongfully Accused There is a discrepancy—perfectly normal too, Bender says—between the physical and intellectual development of toddlers between two and four. They may want to build a Lego truck but they may not be able to. Frustration, anger and fury follow, which leaves parents bewildered. “In our culture, we get really stuck when it comes to dealing with toddlers between two and four,” says Bender. Parents are not supported to deal with big emotions, and many parents today, she adds, have not been taught how to deal with this emotional power and how to have it without overpowering and bullying somebody else. Developmentally speaking, it is normal for toddlers to experience powerful emotions, mostly linked to things they want to accomplish. And sometimes, they want something in the middle of the supermarket, or at a family-friendly potluck party thrown by your boss. Or they are simply tired or overstimulated and throw a tantrum. Be ready to deal with rolled eyes and unwanted advice. The most important thing, though, Bender suggests, is for the parent to be gentle with herself. Help yourself settle and try not to care what other people think. Once you are settled in your body, Bender says, you will be calmer and the child will most likely mirror you, even if you haven’t yet tried to calm her with words. Reassure your child, whenever she “loses” it, that you are there to help her. Boundaries, please Don’t expect children to “get it” from the beginning. Their feelings are overwhelming. When your two-year-old gets mad, she may spit, bite and punch you. “When any of us experience a big feeling, the capacity to think is temporarily lost, whether we are talking about children or adults,” Bender says. Expecting your child to think before biting or hitting is simply too much. You can help your child deal with the strong feelings by setting clear and firm boundaries, such as “No hitting” or “No biting.” There should not be any circumstances under which physical attacks such as punching, pushing, or hitting are allowed. But you have to be empathic to your child’s feelings, Bender advises. Talk to her about her feelings, saying things such as “I can see you are mad right now” or “You look really furious. I understand you really want the book your brother has, but you will have to wait.” Allow her to cry and tell her that it’s alright to be sad or mad, but do emphasize that hitting is not allowed. When children get older and their emotions get the best of them, boundaries will help them learn that there is nothing wrong with their feelings, no matter how strong, but it is certainly wrong to physically hurt someone. Words to match the storm? Hardly so Keep it simple Enjoy your toddler’s growing up, and try not to be too hard on yourself when things get out of control. Help your children label their feelings, and talk about your feelings as well, in order to help them understand their own. “There is research showing how important emotions are in terms of a person’s ability to be social in the future,” Bender says. In order to develop their critical emotional skills, children need to know what’s acceptable and what’s not, she adds. Communicating with a two-year-old may not be the easiest thing, but celebrate their growing up by helping them feel safe and loved no matter what. Teach them by example what kindness towards self and others means. Honour their newly discovered sense of power, but at the same time set boundaries to help them understand where and how to stop before hurting themselves or others. ------ Whatever happened to childhood? Most Canadian adults today can look back on a childhood filled with hours spent playing with friends and siblings: giggling in backyards, creating imaginary worlds, building forts, riding bikes—the business of childhood. It’s a sobering thought to realize that for many of today’s parents, their own children’s memories of childhood will be entirely different: that long car ride every Tuesday to gymnastics, tae-kwon-do on Mondays and Fridays, the boredom of the Saturday morning pottery class, the meals in the car on the way to activities, the pressure to pass their skating test. Lisa, a 31-year-old mom-to-be, is appalled at the rigorous schedule some of her friends have set up for their children. “Some of the moms I know drive all over the Lower Mainland so that their child can participate in every baby class there is. They spend so much of their day driving from activity to activity that I don’t know how they have any energy by the time they get to the class. I don’t see how the baby can enjoy it all. But give me a few months and I will probably be running around just like them…” Increasingly, parents and child development professionals alike are becoming concerned over the disappearance of childhood. The phrase “hyper-parenting” has been coined to describe one of the root causes of this growing trend: many middle and upper-middle class parents are becoming so involved in every detail of their child’s academic and extracurricular lives that they’re not allowing their children to truly have a childhood. From birth, many North American children’s lives are filled with educational toys designed to stimulate their cognitive development and with a hectic schedule of structured activities and classes meant to build their skills, their abilities, and potentially their resumés. More and more people are starting to suggest that hyper-parenting can be extremely damaging to childhood and to our children’s long term well-being. It needs to be said that hyper-parenting springs from a very natural instinct: our desire to do the best for our children. But as the demographics of families have changed in Canada, so have our ideas about what is “best” for children. Over the past several generations, Canadian families have become smaller and often more isolated from extended family connections—the results are that each child receives more attention than previously, and that we are often parenting alone and therefore more anxious and unsure. Add to this mix the fact that many of us now first become parents later in life than ever before, bringing with us expectations honed from years at work. We desperately want to “succeed” at parenting, and in the process we have turned children into the markers of our success: hence the competition over whose child is potty-trained earliest, who read first, who scores the most goals. Children, however, come with a set of needs that cannot be met through classes, schedules, educational toys, or competitive sports. Among the most important tasks of childhood are acquiring skills such as learning how to make friends, how to be part of a family, how to get along with siblings, and how to play. Through play children learn about themselves, discover the joy of creating, and to learn how to think for themselves and how to work with others. Without a long enough childhood focused on these central tasks of childhood, children lose the opportunity to develop these important relationship and life skills. Canadian journalist Carl Honoré has attracted much attention to the phenomenon of hyper-parenting with his recent book Under Pressure: Rescuing Childhood from the Culture of Hyper-Parenting. Honoré’s book examines many areas of children’s lives where adults have interfered and intruded to the point that the joy of childhood has been lost. The examples are compelling: youth sports leagues disrupted by parents attacking referees and pushing their kids too hard to win; children overwhelmed with homework assignments which fill the nights of even the youngest students; children kept running from one extracurricular activity to another, keeping track of it all on their own palm pilots. The author makes a strong argument that this sort of parenting is not good for kids, for parents or for families. He argues that we are damaging our children by both pushing and sheltering them instead of letting them just be kids. People who work with children and parents have also observed this type of hyper-parenting. One local area preschool art teacher regularly encounters parents unable to leave their children’s projects alone; instead the parents seem compelled to intervene to make sure the projects “look right.” “Although I tell them over and over that there is no such thing as right in preschool art, some parents seem unable to rest until their child’s project looks the way they think it should.” Ashley, along with her partner, used to rush from activity to activity with her two preschoolers. She remembers how cranky both parents and kids were at the end of the day: “By the time we got home the kids were irritated because they were so exhausted and over-stimulated, and I was irritated because I had so many things I was trying to keep straight, what shoes we needed, what time each lesson started, how many snacks and drinks I would need for the day, and I barely got a chance to watch the girls in their lessons to see how they were doing with their dance or their gymnastics. But for a long time we just thought that was what parenting was.” Overloaded with information about the importance of making sure kids are ready for school and providing the right developmental opportunities for children, parents can become overwhelmed by all the things they feel they are supposed to do for their children. Enrolling your child in as many activities as possible may seem like the right way to achieve optimal child development. And while it is true that enriching activities are good for children, it is possible to have too much of a good thing. Ashley and her partner finally realized that they had reached the point where things were out of balance. “One summer we had a hard time registering in any activities because they were all full, and money was starting to get tight, so we decided to take the summer off. It ended up being so much better! The kids played making forts in the yard, they had a chance to visit friends and play with the neighbours, and we were all so much more relaxed.” Adopting this style of parenting may be trickier than it sounds. Parents need to trust that if they slow down, their children will not be left behind by other children whose parents continue to hyper-parent. In a competitive society it is difficult to let go of anything that might give your child an advantage. Researchers and child development experts agree that hyper-parenting does not give children a competitive advantage—to the contrary it actually impairs children, but it is likely going to be hard for parents to let go of some ideas which have been promoted as good for children: extensive tutoring, enriching extracurricular activities, educational toys, competitive sports. What Ashley and her family discovered is that children get a chance to use their imagination during unstructured playtime. They can invent their own games, daydream, or just hang out with friends. While parents may initially feel these activities are not productive, experts tell us that this is a wonderful way for children to learn and grow. This does not mean that parents should withdraw their children from all of their organized activities forever. Instead, look for a balance between unstructured and structured activities that works well for your family and your child. Become a more relaxed parent Let ‘em be bored: Building in lots and lots of activities, or lots and lots of screen time, is the current parenting answer to bored children. But the truth is kids need to be bored in order to learn how to fill their own time. By never allowing our children to be bored, we’re building boring children. Expect and encourage your children to think of their own ways to occupy their playtime. Younger children will need your suggestions, but try not to direct their play. Think back: What were you allowed to do as a child? How old were you when you first walked to a friend’s house or visited the corner store alone? Evaluate your child’s readiness for these activities at the same age. When they’re ready (responsible, confident, mature) then go for it! Be in charge: Giving children more free time doesn’t mean a free-for-all. Set limits for your children, and enforce those limits. By demonstrating that they can respect the rules that you set (coming in for dinner on time, making their bed, cleaning up their toys) they indicate that they are ready for the freedom you are offering. Trust your instincts: For many parents the latest research findings, the current techniques, the hot new book written by a trendy parenting expert directs their parenting. With so many voices competing to be heard, the voice of your own common sense can easily get drowned out. Pay attention to your children and develop confidence in your own ability to make good decisions about what is appropriate for them. Take a deep breath—then another: Giving children freedom can be hard for many parents. You may be concerned that by not enrolling them in structured activities they’ll fall behind their peers. And other parents can be a big part of the problem. The disapproval of our parenting peers can make it difficult to follow our instincts. Keep in mind that a more relaxed parenting style is actually better for your children—better for them right now, by giving them time to experience childhood, and better in the long run. Exhaustion and stress-related illnesses are on the increase among middle-class kids unable to deal with the pressure to succeed. ------ Babe in the City: how some families are coping with housing costs For couples expecting a first baby, the list of equipment to buy can be pretty daunting. For many, the shopping list may look something like this: crib, stroller, car seat, four-bedroom house with large backyard and double-car garage, high chair... “Once we got serious about starting a family, the first thing we did was call a real estate agent!” laughs Molly (not her real name), a mother of three. Molly and her family live in a small house on Vancouver’s east side. Her two older children attend school a few blocks from home while Molly stays home with the youngest, eight month-old Sara. Molly’s husband Paul makes the daily commute to work downtown in minutes on the Skytrain, getting home in time to help with dinner or play soccer with the kids in the backyard. “We even have a dog! Ten years ago, I would never have imagined myself living like this, but we’re so happy.” Molly and Paul are living in a familiar, traditional pattern that we all recognize. This is what North American family life is “supposed” to look like, and what many of us are striving for: a house with enough bedrooms for everyone, a fenced yard, a garage. Molly and Paul have good reason to feel happy—by having attained these markers of success, they can feel that they are good parents. They are giving their children a lifestyle similar to the one that they experienced themselves as children. But as Vancouver area housing prices continue their inexorable rise (according to the Vancouver Real Estate Board, the benchmark price of a detached home in the Greater Vancouver region was $761,342 in February 2008), the ideal of home ownership slides further out of reach for average families. So what happens when couples realize that they may never be able to afford the house of their dreams? One thing that may be happening is that increasing numbers of couples are putting off marriage and family, waiting until the economic time is right to start having children. Canada’s most recent census revealed that between 2001 and 2006, the number of common-law families in BC grew more than three times faster than the number of married couples—an 18 percent rise over the five-year period. Sociologists suspect that postponing marriage and delaying children are in part responses to the difficulty of finding affordable housing that matches our expectations of what family life should be. But although high real estate prices may deter some couples from starting a family, at last glance there was no local shortage of babies, even in some of the priciest of Vancouver’s high-priced neighbourhoods. Yaletown, against all expectations, is experiencing a family boom, despite the fact that the neighbourhood includes not one single-family home. When local parents, frustrated by long kindergarten waiting lists at Yaletown’s only elementary school, complained to the media this winter, Vancouver school board chairman Clarence Hansen voiced the surprise that surely many were feeling: “I don’t think there is any way we could have anticipated people were going to want to move into high-rise apartments with their families...[but] it’s a different lifestyle now.” (Parents line up for Yaletown school spaces, 01/08/08, www.cbc.ca) Whether these pioneering families—the ones that are moving into Yaletown condos, Coal Harbour townhouses, and co-ops and apartments all over the Lower Mainland—are doing it out of necessity or out of choice, they are busily creating a new type of North American family reality. So how do these parents feel about the way they are raising their families? Does the absence of the white picket fence matter to them, or are we witnessing a cultural shift, as families start to define themselves in new ways and identify their own family values? Michelle and Rob, parents of five-year-old Curtis, and current Yaletown residents, have a slightly atypical situation: former homeowners, they recently sold their fixer-upper and now rent a small two-bedroom condo. “Our parents told us we were crazy to sell! They still don’t understand it, but they’re starting to accept that it was the right move for us,” says Michelle. “We loved our house, but the upkeep, the repairs and renovations were crushing us financially and completely stressing us out. We had to look at what were our priorities as a family and make some hard choices. We knew we wanted Curtis to go to private school, and we wanted to be able to travel as a family, to show him the world. To make those things happen, we realized that carrying a Vancouver-sized mortgage just wasn’t feasible. We feel like we gave up a lot, but that we gained more than we lost. We’re happier, and it feels like we’re more focused now on what we want from our lives.” Megan and Erik are another couple exploring new urban territory as a family. With three children in the family, Megan is a stay-at-home mom—a family dynamic that is increasingly rare in BC, where according to Statistics Canada, over 80 percent of families with children have two income earners. In order to manage on one income, Megan and Erik have had to decide what they felt was most important to their family, and make some sacrifices—including giving up on a dream of home ownership. “I grew up in the Fraser Valley, on a big rural property, and I always knew that when I had children, I wanted to bring them up in the country, where they could experience the kind of freedom I had as a kid,” explains Megan. “That hasn’t happened.” Instead of roaming the woods, Megan’s three children roam the corridors of their eastside housing co-op, which functions like an exceptionally large extended family. “The kids know everybody here. They know where they’re welcome, and where they’re not. Everyone with young families pretty much has an open door policy, and all the kids come and go. This is definitely not the life I daydreamed about, but now that we’re here, I don’t think I could give it up!” Some families’ decisions to forgo life in a single family home are based on the environmental costs. Detached family houses leave a larger environmental footprint, and the car-dependent lifestyle that has evolved out of suburban sprawl may not be sustainable. By choosing to live in a high-density urban neighbourhood, in a multi-family development, Megan and her family find that they walk more than they drive, shop locally, and feel at home in their neighbourhood. As many Vancouver families are discovering, the current high cost of real estate isn’t so much an obstacle as it is an opportunity—an opportunity to discover their own family values, and to shape their lives to fit their family, rather than the other way around. ------ High-density living for urban-dwelling babies We’ve all seen it before: parents struggling up the steps of their condo building with grocery bags and a toddler in each hand; moms and dads jogging through downtown streets pushing strollers; a group of parents at a coffee shop, chatting while children play around their table. These are the signs of urban, high-density parenting. More and more, families are finding that detached homes in Vancouver are beyond their financial reach. Many are now choosing to live in condominiums and townhouses in the city, rather than relocating to larger and more affordable homes in surrounding suburbs. But how do our parenting strategies change when our families end up in smaller spaces, rather than the three-bedroom homes with the big backyards we had once expected to own? Vicki and Tim currently live in an 850-square feet townhouse near Granville Island with their 18-month-old son Sebastien. When it came time to look for a larger place to live after Sebastien was born (their first apartment in the same neighbourhood was a cozy 600 square feet with only one bedroom), what they didn’t want to sacrifice was, as Vicki says, their “proximity to transit, work, amenities, entertainment and the availability of green space.” She further clarifies that “being near the waterfront also adds to our quality of living and was a factor in choosing where we live.” Like many couples, Vicki and Tim prize their lifestyle and didn’t want to move farther away from the things they love about Vancouver, like the beaches in Kitsilano and Stanley Park. However, living in a small townhouse with two sets of steep stairs has its disadvantages. “Our challenge is having a place for Sebastien to play where we can leave him for some time—like, for example, a play room—and not have to worry about what he’s up to. In our set-up, we all ‘live’ in our living room, which means that Sebastien has access to a lot of things that we’d prefer he not have access to,” Vicki says. “This means more work and exasperation in terms of watching him.” This is a common refrain among urban families. Often, private space is subsumed into family space and it can be difficult for parents to maintain physical separation between child and adult. After all, there are only so many doors in a two-bedroom condo, and only so many square feet between your high-definition television and your sleeping baby. Also, children growing up in small spaces have less room to move around, a particular problem if you have an active child. Sanjay, whose son Vikram is now 18, spent the bulk of his son’s infant and toddler years living in a 420-square feet apartment near Main Street. “I always thought of parks and cafés and places where we could walk as extensions of our home,” Sanjay now reflects. “Even though we lived in a small space for a time, the restrictiveness of the super-small space was bearable until Vikram really started to motor.” And, of course, children come with stuff—strollers, high chairs, swings, play mats and everything else in between. “Every time we buy something, we think twice about if we have enough space for it and how it’ll fit in with the rest of the house,” Vicki sighs. It can be next to impossible to keep your condo or townhouse as neat as you would like and you might feel as if you’re drowning in plastic toys and board books. So, how can families live in their small, urban homes without being on top of each other and tripping on a trail of toys on the way to the bathroom? Here are some simple tips on how to stay sane in your small space. A place for everything and everything in its place In small spaces, furniture that doubles as storage will be your new best friend. Pieces like benches with removable seats for extra storage or coffee tables with drawers underneath will go a long way with helping you keep your family’s clutter to a minimum. If you live in a loft-style apartment, or have high ceilings, don’t be shy about using vertical space for storage as well. Think about hooks for coats and floating shelves with baskets, effective ways to keep things off the floor and out of piles. In many condos and townhouses, closets are narrow and shallow. Invest in closet organizers, which you can now buy ready-made and in a box. These organizers can double or triple storage capacity and have the added bonus of making everything easier to find. When we have children, one of our first instincts is to give them everything we think they want, but when you’re living in a home where there isn’t room for buckets of toys, it’s important to really think about what your child really needs and to encourage others in your family, like grandparents, to think this way as well. How many times will your children actually use a costly and big play kitchen? Is it worth the price or the space? Stick to acquiring toys or books that will continue to grow with your child and remain relevant over several months or even years, like a walker that converts into a riding toy. As Vicki observes, “when you have more space, you end up filling it with things that you probably don’t need. Instead, we buy less, but try to make things do double-duty. Everyday items become toys.” Go outside, where the space is If you have an active child who seems to bounce off the walls of your condo, enrol him or her in some kind of sport or activity that will work out all that energy. An active child always seems more out of control in a small space because there’s nowhere for that child to go where you can’t see (or hear) him or her. By involving your children in T-ball or swimming, you’re helping them to channel their energy, and you’re helping yourself by not going cross-eyed with frustration because the kids are using your colanders as space helmets! It can be difficult for parents in a condo to have people over for dinner or to watch a movie after their children have gone to bed. In a small space, almost every room shares a wall with another and there isn’t enough square footage to keep noise from travelling into your child’s bedroom. Because adult time is just as important as family time, plan ahead and hire a babysitter so you can go out. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you can laugh as loudly as you like, or listen to booming music without worrying that your toddler will wake up. One benefit to living in a cozy condo? Your family is always close enough for hugs whenever you want them. ------ Laying the foundation for positive discipline It’s never too early to lay the groundwork for positive disciplining skills. Positive disciplining takes practise and it might be an entirely new concept for some parents. What does discipline mean to you? Yelling and spanking? Or do you think of it as a positive educational tool? Providing positive discipline to our children teaches them to develop socially acceptable and appropriate behaviors. Disciplining children is something parents can do with and for children as opposed to being something done to children. Disciplining is meant to be educational, not forceful. Hitting and yelling at children creates an overpowering relationship between parent and child. Disciplining is about empowering our children, not overpowering them. You as role model So the question is: what kind of role model are you? Do your children see you as a positive force in this world? If you take care of yourself, have pride in who you are, and present yourself as a strong, compassionate, healthy, loving and positive person, you are providing positive role modeling. Consistency & rules Positive reinforcement Children need your time and attention. Positive reinforcement provides your child with encouraging interaction from you throughout the day as opposed to negative attention from you. In keeping with the saying, “what goes around comes around,” your child will act in accordance with how you are treating him. Tell your child when he is doing something right: “Great—you took off your shoes right when you came inside” and “I see that you are playing nicely with your brother” and so on. Focusing on your child’s positive behaviours tells himthat you notice all the things he does right. How can I break the cycle of negative attention? Your children may not always be doing something positive to point out. Giving straight-forward direction without using negative words is an effective way of guiding your children toward appropriate behaviours. Try giving directions on what to do as opposed to what not to do. Instead of saying “Don’t bother me right now” try “I’m reading right now, try playing with your toys” or instead of “Don’t rub your hands on the mirror” try, “Keep you hands to your sides.” Remember, children need structure and clear guidance. Once you establish an environment with clear rules, positive reinforcement and straight-forward directions, your children will know what to expect and how to act. Your children will have the tools for self-discipline and they will be empowered to make good choices. Redirecting Time-away versus time-out In order to use time-aways, create a comfortable spot where you can see your child. Set him up with a quiet activity such as reading or colouring and check in with him after his age in minutes (e.g. if he’s three years old, return to him after three minutes). The key to redirecting with time-aways is prevention. If you monitor your child appropriately, Time-aways can help redirect your child before the situation gets out of control. Encouragement toward self-discipline Encouraging reminders Clarity and consistency are key Focus on the behaviour, not the child Try your best and have fun Jenny Schafer is a mother, social worker, trained childcare provider and creator of Evolved Parenting. ------ When the worst happens: what to do when your child is diagnosed with a serious illness In January of 1997, Kyle and Lesli Balagno noticed that something wasn’t right with their 18-month old daughter. Taylor was soaking through her diaper and sleeper every night and seemed to have an insatiable thirst. The Balagno’s normally playful and energetic child was suddenly lethargic and losing weight. Their family doctor advised a trip to Emergency. This would be the start of the journey of a lifetime, as that day, Taylor was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. One of the gambles we take when we enter parenthood is that our children might fall ill. More than 37,000 children visited BC Children’s Hospital Emergency last year. Thankfully, most will go home the same day. However, almost 8,000 children were admitted to BC Children’s last year with a serious illness, and more than 100,000 children were seen on an outpatient basis. No matter what the illness, what every sick child has in common is a parent that would give anything to make them well again. The reality is that parents must do their best to cope with a situation that can disrupt their entire world as they know it, often quite suddenly. “Families are in shock with their child’s diagnosis of a life-threatening illness,” says Dr. Leora Kuttner, pediatric clinical psychologist and clinical professor of pediatrics at BC Children’s Hospital and UBC. Kuttner has been helping families for 30 years. “Each family member will process this news and respond differently–but it will feel sometimes like being in and out of a nightmare, somehow unreal, often filled with uncertainty.” At five weeks old, while being treated for a routine ailment, Donna Tack’s son Spencer suffered a catastrophic brain injury. At times it was thought he wouldn’t survive, and in his first year of life, he spent over 200 days in hospital. Now seven, Spencer is a blessing to his family, but he requires a tube for feeding and takes 20 different medications every day. Tack is now a member of the Partners in Care Family Advisory Committee (PiC) at BC Children’s Hospital, a committee of parents and hospital staff that empowers families and gives them a voice in decisions that affect patient care and family experiences. People like Donna are an invaluable resource to the parents of newly diagnosed children. As many Urbanbaby & Toddler blog readers are aware, editor Emma Lee’s five-year-old son Benjamin was recently diagnosed with Castleman’s Disease, a rare disease causing tumours in the lymph nodes. Lee sought out other parents of sick children for advice and understanding. “Nobody knows how you feel except someone who’s been there,” says Tack, who found a brain-injury support group on the Internet and now answers calls to the PiC Parent Line. For families embarking on a similar journey, here is what the parents, the experts, and the children themselves have to say about making it through: Take one day at a time Organize Advocate Appoint an executive Acknowledge siblings Talk to a professional Talk to your child Try to maintain your routine Try to see the positives Contact Information and Resources Quality time for the time-crunched Often just caring for your children and attending to their most basic of needs can take up all your time. As busy parents, how do you make time to spend with your children? You work, you shop, you take care of appointments, you go to and from daycare and preschool and by the end of it, you’re exhausted. The weekend arrives and you’re rushing to get the kids to their sports and other activity programs. Being busy is a given these days for parents, yet sometimes, although we don’t mean to, we don’t take a few minutes to give the kids our undivided attention. Unfortunately, our children’s behaviour can often reflect this lack of attention. When kids “act out,” they may do so in a variety of ways. The most common attempt at getting attention is usually throwing a tantrum or screaming and crying for seemingly no reason. “Many times when children feel ignored they act out with defiant and oppositional behaviour,” says Kathy Eugster, registered counselor and mother of three. “They may also become withdrawn from the parents as a result.” A few other behaviours to look for include intentional spilling of drinks, pushing or hitting a sibling, or just outright disobedience. When our children act out, our emotions often get the best of us and cause us to react in a negative way. Children know that conducting themselves in this manner gets your attention, and they use that to fuel the fire. Children do not yet grasp the communication skills needed to let us know they need attention. It can be very difficult for children of busy parents to fall into routine. A chaotic lifestyle brings about a certain amount of instability for children, making them feel as though they need to fight for their share of your attention. As a parent you may find it easy to ignore your children when they are being good and only pay attention to them when they behave badly. Over time, the child learns that they only get attention when they are breaking the rules. According to the Royal College of Psychiatrists, children seem to prefer angry or critical attention to being ignored. This causes them to do whatever it takes to get attention. Sometimes when we notice that our child’s behaviour patterns are getting increasingly worse, we assume there are bigger factors at play. In reality, the behaviour is a result of us not making every possible effort to assure the child that we are there for them when they need us. Children of any age need to feel included and special and feel secure in their surroundings. Quality time with parents is essential for healthy development. “Quality time will help prevent many psychological problems in adulthood, “ says Dr. Lima. You don’t need to set aside an entire day to create quality one-on-one time with your kids. Everyday activities that you would have to do anyway are great opportunities for fun time. Get creative! • Include children in conversations. Ask for their opinions to make them feel included. There are so many opportunities in each and every day to utilize as quality time. Taking 10 minutes before bedtime to read your child a story is great too. Really getting into the story and making the characters come alive by using different voices for each character is a fun way to spend those last minutes of the day together. “Quality time is very beneficial to children because it shows how the parents are interested and really care about the child,” says Eugster. Doing daily activities with your children can work wonders on their behaviour. When they begin getting praise, encouragement and attention for good behaviour, they will stop using bad behaviour to get attention. All it really takes is a little imagination and creativity to keep kids happy. Emphasizing “togetherness” by making time in your day to include the kids is the best medicine for bad behaviour. Another great yet seemingly small thing is to try to eat as many meals as possible all together at the table as a family. “The child will feel as though they are supported and gain a sense of safety,”says Eugster. Writer Penny Warner says on Family.com, “Quality time is defined by development experts as meaningful time parents spend nurturing and teaching their children.” That being said, it makes sense to assume it isn’t the amount of time you spend with the kids, but how special and interactive you make it each day. One thing we as parents have to remember is that the simple things mean the most. Just by being enthusiastic, vibrant and having a positive attitude will influence your child more than you know. ------- Grandparents as caregivers: negotiating the relationship For many new parents today, their baby’s first birthday is an occasion that they may feel rather ambivalent about. They’re relieved and exhilarated to realize that they’ve survived that tumultuous first year of parenthood, they’re proud of their accomplishments and their child’s growth and development, and they look forward to this new stage in their child’s life—but the first birthday also marks the end of paid parental leave and the return to full-time work for many parents. For Jill, a new mother of one, her daughter’s first birthday was overshadowed by that coming change: “We had a party with friends and family, and presents and cake and it was really fun, but then I cried all night because I had to go back to work the day after.” What makes Jill’s story different from many is that on that first morning back at work, she didn’t need to introduce her daughter Georgia to an unfamiliar childcare centre, a home daycare, or paid caregiver. Jill’s parents, recently retired, had agreed to care for their granddaughter while Jill worked. “When we pulled into their driveway the first morning, Georgia was squealing with delight,” recalls Jill. “She couldn’t wait to get inside and see Grandma and Grandpa. And that’s been the pattern, every morning since.” For those of us with parents living far away, still working themselves, or unable or unwilling to become regular caregivers, Jill’s situation sounds like a fairytale—her daughter is cared for by family members she loves and who adore her, and Jill and her husband save substantially on the cost of daycare. But as Jill and her parents are discovering, when family members are involved in caring for your child on a regular basis, the stage is set for conflict. “My mom and dad are great people, but they think there’s no harm in giving Georgia a cookie to calm her down when she’s fussy,” says Jill. “I don’t want her to depend on food for comfort—especially junk food! But when I try to tell my mom not to give Georgia food every time she’s whiny, her feelings are hurt. She ends up telling me, ‘Well that’s what I did with you, and you’re not obese.’ I’m not criticizing how she brought me up, but I want to do things differently.” Currently at only the three-month mark in the full-time grandparent care arrangement, Jill, her husband, and her parents are still working out the kinks, and still looking for the methods that will work for them in resolving the inevitable disagreements that can arise when different generations are involved in child care. Glenn Hope, executive director of the BC Council for Families, has more experience than many in peacefully negotiating the demands of sharing in the care of a young grandchild. Hope and his wife share a duplex with their daughter, son-in-law, and young grandson, and his wife provides full-time care for two-and-half-year-old Joshua through the week. Hope recognizes that “it is part of our job as grand-parents to maintain the parenting style set by the parents.” He’s noticed though that there are differences in Joshua’s behaviour when he’s with his grandparents, because Hope and his wife have a more traditional approach to parenting than do Joshua’s parents. When Hope was bringing up his own children, “there was more expectation for the children to fall in line with the parents’ wishes. The new parenting style seems to be much more flexible and responsive to the child’s wishes. Joshua defines things in the household, he has more input into things like what kind of activities he wants to do.” It takes an attitude of mutual respect and an acceptance of the differences in parenting styles that different generations have to make any shared caregiving arrangement work. Maintaining that attitude can occasionally be challenging, but the payoff comes in knowing that you are creating a very special relationship for your child. “In village settings, everyone participated in raising the kids; there was a much larger extended family,” says Hope. “I think that grandparents today play this extended family role in a very vital way. Grandparents can enrich a child’s life and assist parents when they need respite. It’s also rewarding for us to know that we have an influence in Joshua’s life. I feel very lucky to be involved.” Also difficult is navigating a relationship with a grandparent who wants less involvement than you would like. For parents who watch friends dropping kids off with grandparents instead of at daycare, it can be hard not to feel resentful when their own parents choose not to support them in the same way. For these grandparents, who love their grandchildren but value their independence, trying to explain to their children why they don’t want to commit to a ongoing childcare arrangement can be very challenging. Laura, who is not yet a grandparent, says, “I wonder what it will be like when I am a grandparent. I see how it is for my friends who are grandparents and it is getting more complex. Am I supposed to take care of my grandchild five days a week because if I don’t, my daughter and her husband will never be able to afford a house? The problem is, I don’t want to be tied down at this stage of my life and young children can be exhausting. I don’t want to be a bad parent or grandparent but I was planning to visit and go on outings with my grandchild, not become a parent all over again.” Every family has a different situation, but here are several thoughts for parents and grandparents to consider when negotiating the grandparenting relationship: Advice for parents: Many new parents are most comfortable turning to professional sources of information for advice; from parenting books, doctors, or publicly acknowledged parenting experts. You may feel that your parents’ advice is out of date, or that you want to raise your children differently from how you were brought up. But listening to the advice and support that grandparents have to offer will not only strengthen your relationship with your child’s grandparents, it may provide new insights and parenting techniques you hadn’t considered. Speak up for yourself: Saying no—politely: Keep it in perspective: The green-eyed monster: For Grandparents: Caregiving 101: Call a meeting: Take stock: Value yourself: For information about parenting programs in BC, check out the BC Council for Families website at www.bccf.bc.ca ------- Parenting a child with special needs The terms disability and special needs tend to stir up a wide range of thoughts and strong emotions for many of us. If you’ve ever had a baby or child diagnosed with a disability, you might have experienced some of these strong emotions. After those moments and days post-diagnosis, it is normal to feel overwhelmed with many questions for the future. Why isn’t my baby “perfect” like everyone else’s? What will people say? What will become of her? Will he ever get married? Will I have to quit my job to take care of him full time? These and many other questions might have run through your mind when you first received the news. It’s important to take a step back and know that whether your child is born with a disability or if he develops special needs at some point in his life, you will have the strength to nurture, care for and love your precious child who brings with him many blessings, as well as challenges, to you and your family. There will be many people to help you along the road. Here are some suggestions on how to manage your child’s needs, as well as your own: Become informed It is advisable to get different professional opinions. Don’t settle for one professional’s point of view. Ask your doctor for referrals to other professionals who also have expertise on your child’s disability (such as social workers, occupational therapists, recreational therapists, and physical therapists). Contact your local community disability centres. You might be able to find a centre geared toward a specific disability, or you might want to start with a general disability centre and go from there. These community resources have the on-site information and knowledge to refer you to another source if necessary. Also, you can likely connect with other families that have children with disabilities at these centres. Although you may not feel the need to do so at the beginning stages, you may find that this peer support will be helpful not only for your child, but also for yourself as time goes on. The Internet can be a good place to find information, but try to remain critical of the legitimacy and possible agenda of the source. Of course, your local library might also be Be sure to filter through the masses of information at a manageable pace. Once you are armed with some key knowledge, you can work alongside the team of professionals working with your child. Write a list of questions and ask for as much information as possible. Knowledge provides a sense of power and is your best defense against any feelings of helplessness. Become an advocate Asserting yourself while respectfully working within his team of professionals can be tricky, but can also be one of the greatest lessons on social skills you can teach your child. Just think, as your child grows older and more independent, you will not always be there to speak on his behalf (and nor will he want you to). If you demonstrate assertion alongside knowledge and respect for other team players, you will teach him to do the same for himself in a world that does not always understand the needs of people with disabilities. Teaching this level of self-respect and self-advocacy is a priceless gift you can give your child. Families who are the most involved in their child’s disability management tend to have the lowest rates of burn-out and the highest rates of overall quality of life among all family members. When all members of a family are involved and informed, they can all work toward a common goal with support and encouragement. Look within yourself Be sure to pick your battles along the way. Again, many people have been led to believe that the world is created only for a certain type of person. Anger and bitterness at people who have yet to celebrate difference and welcome diversity into their life is a waste of your precious energy. As parents, we’re all too aware that children reflect our values and beliefs. When you accept and celebrate diversity, you are empowering your children to do the same with others and with themselves. Raising children with a strong belief in themselves instills a sense of pride and dignity in all that they can do, as opposed to what limits them from other people. Make time for you It might be necessary to take some time to grieve the loss of the “perfect” child you had been expecting. If you are experiencing this, talk to your most trusted confidants or a professional about these feelings of loss. Although it takes courage to ask, take advantage of any friends or family who have offered to help. Ask them to come over and babysit to make that date with your partner or to go out with your friends. It is essential to nurture yourself, not only your family, throughout it all. When you are healthy overall, you have the strength and wisdom to be the best parent to your children. Your best and strongest self could be one of the greatest gifts you ever give to your entire family. Enjoy your child If he is a newborn, be sure to celebrate his arrival with family and friends with announcements and all the other traditions. Or, call family and friends if he has just spoken his first words. You’ve been blessed with a child who is special in many ways. Honesty is the best policy Be honest with you friends and family. If you’re having a bad day, don’t hide it. If you need extra support, be sure to ask for it. Most people want to help, so don’t be too proud to ask. Build on the strengths and supports within your social network and within your child’s professional team. Surround yourself with positive people and encourage your child to live a life celebrating her abilities. In so doing, you are empowering him toward a high level of self-esteem and pride in who he is and all that he can do. ------- Play with me, Daddy! Every day of the year, lots of dads are having fun with their kids by playing ball, playing board games, or just showing their kids the fun side of life. They know that their child’s unique childhood only comes once and that all of the basics for future fitness and personal attitudes are shaped early. So, they take the time to play with their kids outdoors, to walk and talk along the way, and to play indoors using construction or hobby kits, puzzles. Play is the most important way children learn. Whatever you do together with your children will help keep the light of your child’s imagination burning bright. Dads, you’re your with their son or daughter to discover and expand the natural playfulness within your child because play is important to your child’s well-being and full growth. So take time to turn off electronics and turn on your child’s imagination to foster his natural spontaneity. Here are some ways to keep the playful spirit alive in your family for a lifetime. Select a good variety of books based on your child’s age. Encourage your child to read by helping him to select the book, to turn the pages, to look at the pictures, and to understand the value of words. Read aloud to your child every day. He will soon graduate from picture books and storybooks. His love of reading and learning will be reinforced by the important experience of reading together. Now add to the fun by introducing a puppet and let the puppet tell part of the story. Your child will laugh aloud and he will find even more enjoyment in reading aloud. Make the most of playtime anywhere and anytime. You can find a good assortment of at-home and take-along games and toys and construction products at your local toy store. Play “store” at home with items from your pantry. Make outings to stores an opportunity to learn by observation and to have some fun together instead just another chore. Utilize construction projects such as Tinker Toys, MegaBloks, Erector sets, Lego, Rokenbok, Lincoln Logs and others as these activities help build eye-hand coordination, logical thinking, and math skills—and they’re fun! Talk and play together by using puppets and plush animals. These toys help strengthen emotional support and self-expression. Ask your child questions. Be a “play partner” and encourage your child to tell you what he likes and doesn’t like. Encourage your child to ask questions. Encouraging your child to share his feelings builds a better relationship and will help the child to more fully communicate in school and with friends. Communicating easily in the comfort of home builds self-confidence. Choose games and activities all ages can play together in and out of doors. Outdoors play ball games (try Small World’s Gertie Ball to take along as its easy to blow up and use anywhere) fly kites, and ride bicycles together to build physical skills and to have fun out of doors. Introduce your child to easy-to-use, and well-produced learning materials. A product like Learning Resources’ Reading Roadway (www.learningresources.com) is a great way to read, learn geography, and at the same time have fun together. Or you can choose strategy games like Blokus from Educational Insights to help build strategic thinking. A game of checkers can be fun anytime, and so can Scrabble, Monopoly, Life, Clue, DaVinci Challenge and lots of others. Encourage your child to draw pictures with crayons and paint to reinforce personal experiences. Place pictures where they can be seen and admired. Don’t forget to add creative open-ended time with a cardboard box. Build a clubhouse together from a large cardboard box and your child will think it’s a palace. Find the right technology to assist your child with developing and strengthening learning skills such as practising phonics, expanding math skills, or learning to tell time. Select products such as the innovative, V Tech’s, V Smile Pocket Learning for children of all ages. These products help your child learn skills now and can easily be added to as they develop. Discover all the ways you can create something new and fun just with your child’s imagination. Try products like Playdoh, Playfoam, Toy Creator and other imaginative and learning projects such as Binary Player Robot to build your own robot. Search for balance – choose an appropriate mix of toys to promote creative, educational, and physical activity. Don’t forget to “rotate” toys to keep things fresh, safe, and in active use. Special Products for Fathers and Kid’s Play Here are some fun and useful play products for all ages: Tails Are Not For Pulling Board Book (1–3 yrs) Firefighter George and Amazing Airplanes (2–8 yrs) Classics Raceway ’57 (8–12 yrs) Binary Player Robot (9–12 yrs) ------- Real life matters: helping your child understand death The first time my oldest son and I talked about death was during a walk in the forest when we came across a dead tree. He was almost four. He asked about trees and why they die and then, the big question came: “Are you going to die, Mom?” Neither ‘yes’ nor ‘no’ seemed the right answer. We talked about how people get old, very old, I emphasized, and then they die. He was content with that explanation. A couple of months later, my mother passed away unexpectedly at a young age and it seemed that I was the least prepared to deal with it, let alone talk to my son about it. Again, we had to talk about death, but this time we had longer, repeated conversations that converged towards the same outcome: People die —sometimes they die young and that is a very sad thing. But the message to my son is that life goes on and we have to make the best of it, whatever comes our way. Here is how parents can help inquisitive minds and sensitive little people understand death. Get the facts straight. Death is final, and that’s a fact. Except that young children do not understand what death really means. And they don’t understand the meaning of permanent either. Still, it is important that you don’t lead your little one into believing that death is a temporary state, just because you don’t want him to be sad. It’s important for them to learn about life and death, and offering them the correct information means that you give them the chance to become well-adjusted people. “Young children think in specific, concrete terms. When death is explained to them as ‘sleep’ or ‘a long trip’ they expect the deceased to wake up, or return,” explains Charles Smith, professor of family studies at Kansas State University. Explain to your child that animals and people are born and then as they grow old, they die. Or they get sick and die. Depending on your child’s age, it might be easier to explain life and death by showing that plants wither when they are taken out of the ground or left without water. Show him the difference between a living plant and a dead one. Be careful when you talk about people getting sick and dying, because young children may not understand the difference between being sick (as in having a cold), and being really sick (as in having a chronic, possibly terminal affliction). When telling your child that someone has died, make sure you choose a location where you won’t be disturbed for a while, should your child need to ask questions or cry when he finds out that he will never see Grandma or Grandpa again. It is important that you tell to your child the whole truth. Whether it was an accident, or the person who died was very ill, your child needs to know the truth. Since preschoolers are unpredictable—expect your child to accept the news and move on. It might take a week, a month or a whole year for your child to talk about it. It’s okay to be sad. Don’t hide your tears and don’t try to make your child smile if his heart tells him differently. Dealing with the pain of losing someone close is a difficult process, yet healing and moving on cannot happen before the mourning. Your child might feel sad or angry—the best way for you to help is to be empathic. You might feel the same way, and the last thing you want to do is to talk about it at that moment, but chances are the whole process is more difficult on your child, since he is experiencing this for the first time and has little understanding of it. On the other hand, he might not feel pain at all if he was not close to the person who died or he is too young to understand what’s happening. He might be sad to see you sad though, which makes it necessary for you to explain to him that people are sad when loved ones pass away. Preschoolers can display various signs of distress when they are confronted with death. “When they learn of the death of a loved one, children have many of the same physical and emotional responses as adults, but children mourn their loss in different ways,” according to Smith. They might cry or be angry, they may become clingy and demanding, they can express fear of losing someone else, too. They can act out or have sleep difficulties, a common symptom if adults use the term “sleep” to explain death, says Smith. In his opinion, children who cannot mourn the dead during the day, may experience nightmares and generally have more dreams about the people who died. Remember the loved ones. Even if it makes you or your child very sad, it is important to talk about loved ones who passed away. Not only will it ease the pain of losing them, but it will also help your children remember them better, because young children tend to forget faces more easily. Explain to your little one that loved ones who passed away are still part of the family. You can try to involve your child into putting together a collage containing photos of Grandpa or Grandma who passed away. Ask your child to draw, if she is able to remember, his grandparents’ favourite things, in order to add his personal touch to the collage and make it even more special. Frame it and put it in your child’s room, if he prefers. Children especially appreciate having a photo of the loved one in a non-breakable frame to carry with them, suggests Smith. If you have the option to take your child to the memorial service, do that. Tell him what to expect before getting there and talk to him about the significance of the memorial service. It helps if you explain that a memorial service is a farewell prepared by relatives and friends for the memory of the person who died. Be prepared to deal with questions, sadness and sorrow. Depending on your religious beliefs, encourage your child to pray for the person who died. Young people can die, too. It is extremely sad when old family members and friends pass away, but it is sadder yet when young ones die. Whether it is siblings or friends who passed away, or whether the family goes through a miscarriage, preschoolers might be affected in various ways. They may be sad and crying, or they might become difficult and moody. Don’t tell them the pain will go away, children this young live in the present and can hardly imagine what life would be like in the future. They might simply need to cry and unload their burden. Depending on your child’s temperament and her openness to communicate with you, he might bring this issue up whether you feel like talking about it or not. Go to the library and look for books that deal with death (see sidebar). Sometimes a certain book will strike a chord with your child’s mind and he might gain a deeper understanding that will help ease his pain. And yours too. If a pet dies, expect your young child to be very sad, especially if the pet was his close companion. Don’t tell him there are plenty of dogs or cats around, just to make him feel better. To him, and probably to you too, the pet that died was very special and loved. Allow him to decide the time when the family will get a new pet and make him an active part in choosing it. Life goes on. Moving on after a beloved family member or close friend passed away is difficult. Some adults may experience depression, and although young children might go through the process easier, they can still experience temporary sadness and mood swings, especially if their parents go through tough times. While it is necessary to acknowledge the pain and to mourn at your own pace, it is important to give your child the message that life goes on, and you can honour the loved ones who passed away by remembering them and what they taught you. The child needs to know that his schedule—his playdates as well as going to the park—is still the same. Keep the family routine the same as much as possible, and help your child keep his. In time, you’ll notice smiles again on his face. And on yours, too. ------- Top 10 Toddler Discipline Techniques When you’re shopping around for a method of discipline that will work well for you and your toddler, you’ll want to zero in on one that is effective in dealing with the problem behaviour, leaves your toddler feeling good about herself, and leaves you feeling good about yourself as a parent. Here’s the lowdown on 10 techniques that score well in all three areas. 1. Prevent problems from occurring in the first place. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure—actually, 10 pounds of cure, when you’re dealing with a toddler. You’ll dramatically reduce the number of times you need to discipline your toddler if you take steps to anticipate and avoid problems; for example, keeping objects that she’s not allowed to touch out of reach and running errands only at those times of the day when she’s likely to be at her best (when she’s well rested and well fed, for example). 2. Find creative alternatives to saying no. Toddlers tend to dig in their heels if they hear the word “no” all the time. If your toddler starts throwing food, instead of saying, “No throwing food,” gently remind her that “Food is for eating.” And use high-impact words like “stop,” “hot,” or “dirty,” instead of “no.” They’ll get your message across more clearly and will eliminate the need to say no. (In the case of the word “stop,” you’ll actually be giving her something to do.) 3. Offer a substitute. If your toddler wants to scribble on the front of the fridge, give her permission to do something similar instead; for example, she can draw on a piece of paper that’s stuck to the fridge, play with a set of fridge magnets, or draw a picture of a refrigerator and colour it whatever colour she would like. Or offer freedom with limits. Let her know that it’s okay to play with the ball in the house as long as she remembers to roll it, not throw it. 4. Offer a distraction. Countless tantrums have been averted on the part of both toddlers and parents as a result of this amazing technique. It’s the closest thing you’re likely to find to a discipline magic wand. Here’s how it works. If your toddler is about to shove her hand in the fishbowl because she wants to pet the family goldfish, immediately come up with something even more exciting to distract her. Sing a song, hand her a stuffed animal to pat (ideally a stuffed goldfish, if you can swing it!), pick her up and tickle her—do whatever it takes to get her mind off the goldfish. 5. Give your toddler the opportunity to make choices. If your toddler is refusing to brush her teeth at night, you can give her a choice: she can brush her teeth either before or after her bedtime story. The keys to making this technique work for—not against—you is to offer only those choices you can live with, to limit the number of choices (more than two tends to be paralyzing, not empowering, to toddlers), and to give your toddler a limited amount of time to make her choice. If she refuses to make a choice within this period of time, you’ll have to help her make her decision. For example, if she refuses to choose between the red cup and the blue cup, you’ll have to give her an additional choice: “Do you want to decide or do you want me to decide?” If she still refuses to make a decision, then simply say, “I see you want me to decide,” and hand her one cup or the other. 6. Allow your toddler to experience the natural consequences of her actions. Natural consequences are those that logically flow from the child’s own actions (if you throw your cookie on the floor, it has to go in the garbage). They can be a powerful way to give your toddler the opportunity to learn from her mistakes. Obviously, natural consequences can’t be applied to every situation: getting a concussion is too big a price to pay for learning that it’s not such a great idea to swan-dive off the couch. In this situation, you may have to provide a logical consequence instead: for example, telling your diving enthusiast that you’re going to remove her from the couch if she keeps insisting on trying to dive off of it. 7. Master the art of selective ignoring. This technique becomes more and more effective as the years go on and is the ideal method of handling such annoying but non-life-threatening behaviours as making rude noises, acting silly, or having a temper tantrum. Basically, you pretend not to notice the annoying behaviour in the hope that your child will get bored and move on to something else. It tends to be highly effective. Your toddler learns that there’s no point in having a temper tantrum if she’s lost her audience, and you get to conserve your parental energy for the times that really matter. 8. Be generous with your praise. Positive reinforcement is the twin sister of selective ignoring, but, in this case, you’re making a point of reinforcing praiseworthy behaviours. Your toddler is hungry for your approval and will be more likely to repeat good behavior if she thinks she’ll be praised for it. To be effective, praise should be as specific and descriptive as possible: “I like the way you put your books back on the shelf! You’re really doing a great job of tidying up,” rather than a rather bland and meaningless “Good girl!” Also, be sure to praise improvements in your toddler’s behaviour rather than holding out for perfection and try to work in some honest recognition wherever possible. (Honest recognition involves pointing out how her behavior is genuinely helpful to you: “Now that the books are up off the floor, we don’t have to worry about anyone stepping on them. You really know how to take good care of books.”) 9. Provide verbal feedback. Verbal discipline will play an increasingly important role as your child grows older. Although it’s sometimes easier to physically redirect a young child who’s refusing to cooperate by picking her up and carrying her out of the room, physical direction doesn’t work nearly as well with a six-foot-tall teenager, so you may as well start honing your verbal discipline skills now. Keep in mind that words can hurt, so make sure that your verbal discipline techniques are positive in nature. 10. Use a “time out.” A time out removes your child from a situation so that she has a chance to reconsider her behaviour. If your toddler is throwing blocks at another child at playgroup, for example, you might remove her from the situation for a minute or two or so she can regain her cool and (hopefully) play more civilly this time around. Time-outs tend to work best with older children, but they can also be used with older toddlers (18 months or older). Younger toddlers will have a difficult time figuring out what a time out is all about. Time-Out Dos & Don’ts ------- Sleep strategies Sleep is a tricky issue when it comes to babies and their exhausted parents. Babies come into the world with different sleep habits that often don’t coincide with their parents’ routines. The good news is that different sleep behaviours are perfectly normal, and the really good news is that eventually all babies sleep through the night. Keep in mind that no matter what sleep experts say, you know your baby best so as you search for the right sleep solution for your family, follow your intuition. When should you expect your baby to sleep through the night? Does the cry-it-out method work? In a recent edition of his book, Dr. Ferber has demonstrated more flexibility regarding sleep issues, acknowledging that a child needs to feel reassured at night even if that means that a parent stays in close proximity. He has even accepted co-sleeping as an option, as long as parents have a plan to get the child out of their bed later on. A study by two Harvard scientists opposes the cry-it-out method and argues that babies need their parents’ touch and tenderness and should not be left to experience the high stress of crying to exhaustion. The reason, they say, is that it changes their nervous system and makes them more sensitive to future trauma later in life. Independence should be taught by keeping children secure and by not letting them cry to sleep, which causes unnecessary stress, the study says. “It’s a disturbing myth that a gentle sleep plan is slow and a cry-it-out plan is a quick answer, but in most cases, either way – cry or no-cry – will take weeks or even months before a child is sleeping all night every night,” Pantley says. One downside to this method, although not experienced by all parents who tried it, is that every cold, every tooth coming out, or a trip, short as it may be, might set you back and you may have to go through the agonizing cries again. Will breastfeeding prevent sleeping through the night? Co-sleeping: how, when, why? What about the family bed? Is sleeping with baby more common that people think? “Some polls show that nearly 70 percent of parents share sleep with their babies either part or all of the night. Most parents who do choose to co-sleep are avidly committed to the practice and find many benefits in it,” says Pantley. They key is, she adds, “that the sleep environment should be created thoughtfully so that it is safe for the baby.” In other words, no blankets, comforters, pillows, or any other bedding equipment that might be hazardous to baby. When baby is sleeping and you are not: If you have a hard time falling asleep try to: If staying asleep is your problem, try to: Customized sleep solutions: two local moms share their experiences with sleep consultants Mom: Tina Why did you seek out help from a sleep consultant? What were you doing to get baby to sleep before Dana? What was Dana’s advice to helping your baby sleep? The first night I put Jill through the recommended routine and she slept for six hours straight! Then I fed her, diapered her and put her back to bed awake and she slept another three hours and then another two. There were some tough nights and times I didn’t know what to do. Dana gives a week of follow-up consulting so you can ask questions or check in to see if what you’re doing is right as you put her plans into action. The follow-up is golden. After nine days, Jill was sleeping through the night. If only you could see the smile on my face! Mom: Julie Why did you seek out help from a sleep consultant? What resources did you try before contacting Helen? Describe the process by which Helen tailored a sleep plan for your family. As my little one progressed to the infant stage, it became evident that I would need Helen’s assistance to get her on a scheduled routine with regular naptimes. Helen reassured me this could be achieved independently of my rocking, nursing or using any “crutches” to get her to sleep. She had me start a log book, recording my baby’s daily nursing, sleeping and playing activities. During the process she would often refer back to my log in order to uncover weak spots that may hinder our achieving a proper sleep routine. We used Helen’s step-by-step plan and it worked. We correspond by email on a regular basis. Helen still checks in with me, providing advice when needed. My daughter is seven months old and I still consult with Helen on a regular basis for advice. ------ Introducing sibling to baby Awaiting the birth of a second child brings many questions: Do I have enough love to share? How will we cope with the increased workload of two children? And, of course, how can we best support our first child in the transition to life as a big brother or sister? The key to helping your child prepare for this transition is to understand and appreciate the dramatic changes to family life brought by the birth of a new baby. Loss of the normal routine, having to share the spotlight, and enjoying less undivided attention can leave an older child wondering “What about me?” There are many simple steps you can take to support your child in this transition, creating opportunities for your child to play an important and positive role in preparing for and welcoming the new baby. “Where Do Babies Come From?” There are many excellent children’s books to help satisfy your child’s curiosity, and many children love hearing the story of their own time as a baby. Be prepared to tell these stories again and again as your child seeks to make sense of your growing belly and baby to come. Your child may choose to role-play birth with stuffed animals or dolls. If planning a hospital birth, it can be helpful to bring them on a tour. “It’s a Baby!” “What About Me?” As baby’s arrival approaches, take time to examine how it will affect practical aspects of your firstborn’s life with you. It is helpful to make any necessary changes in care patterns months before, to prevent any association of these changes with the baby. For example, if your firstborn typically falls asleep only with mom, begin to establish new patterns without dependence on just one parent. “I Want to Play!” Assure your child that while newborns are not born ready to play trucks or dolls, they love gentle touch, peekaboo, and toe tickles. You can help identify positive ways to relate to baby by exposing him or her to other newborns, and role-playing the feeding, diapering & caring of baby with a favorite doll or stuffed animal. “How Can I Help?” As you strive to support your firstborn in understanding the changes to come and sharing in your excitement for baby’s arrival, remember that over time they will build their own unique relationship with this little one. By understanding what a dramatic change this can be for your child, listening to their questions and concerns, and finding creative ways to help prepare them for the transition, you can set the stage for a healthy relationship in the months and years to come. ------ Raising the bilingual child Bilingualism has been a topic of interest to many of the families I have worked with as a speech-language pathologist. This does not surprise me with so many different cultural groups in the Vancouver area. The need for parents to maintain their primary language with their children is as important as promoting their culture and identity. At the lectures that I have given, many parents are interested in the best way to introduce languages to their child to avoid confusion or a possible lag in their language skills. Their concerns are unfounded; research shows children do not “suffer” from learning two languages at the same time. Brain-based research tells us that children can absorb four languages at the same time because our brains conform to the structure of the specific language we hear. Bilingual children may have varying degrees in the time that they can acquire two languages but there is no correlation between language delay and bilingualism. Before you teach a child two or more languages, there are some important areas to consider. Age of Acquisition For instance, consider a child born in Canada with a Chinese Mandarin-speaking mother and a Canadian English-speaking father. The child spends major holidays in China and has contact with Chinese relatives on a regular basis. She is home all day with her mother, being exposed to Mandarin. As she grows older, she has outside contacts with English from TV, neighborhood children, radio, and store clerks. The child learns both languages at the same time because of the necessity to communicate with others in her community. This does not imply that the child will have equal command in both. Most children will have one predominant language that is spoken more fluently. Harding-Esch and Riley state that there is no reason to panic if the child does not speak English until three years of age. She will begin to do so when there are social reasons to use the other language. The child is learning both languages but is demonstrating a lack of need to speak English because communication in Mandarin works just fine. The need will change as the child becomes involved in daycare, school, or a playgroup. Language dominance may even shift when a child goes to school but parents should not be concerned as this is a natural progression in learning two languages. Another way to acquire a language is successive acquisition. This occurs when a child is introduced to a second language when they are older (i.e. three years and up). This may occur when a child has just recently been adopted or moved from another country. Research has shown that a child in this scenario will learn the second language quickly if they are exposed to it. The language development that they went through to learn their first language will be similar to the way they acquire their second language. If you are a parent who would like to teach a child a minority language after the majority language is taught, you may run into problems. Apart from the family home, there may be limited exposure to the minority language in the community that makes learning difficult. To avoid this scenario, the child should be taught the minority language first. Supportive Environments for Language Learning Apart from a child’s parents, the bilingual child’s most important teachers are other small children. Every effort should be made to ensure your child has this experience. If daycare or preschool program is not financially feasible, churches or family drop-in centres offer wonderful programs for children that are free or have a minimal cost. You could also try networking with other families who share your linguistic situation. You may want to arrange play dates with children who speak in both of the languages your child is trying to learn. Essentially, your child is going to need a lot more support than a monolingual child because they are learning vocabulary in two languages. This requires extra effort on your part, but the rewards are great! Learning One Language Well Making Bilingualism a Family Decision Parents who want more information can find Harding-Esch and Riley’s book in their local libaries. The authors provide a questionnaire for families that helps guide them to making good choices regarding bilingualism. ------- Finding your own Super Nanny Heidi is the mother of two-year-old twin boys. Knowing her year-long maternity leave would end all too soon, she and her husband hired a live-in nanny from the Philippines. She shares her thoughts on this process. A live-in caregiver/nanny is hired to live and work in a private home to provide child care, cooking, cleaning and other services. The live-in caregiver program was created as a result of a shortage of individuals available to fill the need for this work in Canada. Full details of the live-in caregiver program can be found at www.cic.gc.ca/english/pub/caregiver/index.html Nannies usually come to Canada to achieve Canadian Immigration Status in order to live a life they may not otherwise have in their home country. Within a three-year period, nannies who have completed two years of employment under the live-in caregiver program can apply for permanent residence in Canada. Family members can also be included in application for residence, as many nannies have children and spouses in their home countries. Nannies must meet four requirements before being considered to work in Canada:
In BC, the minimum wage for live-in caregivers is $8 per hour. The maximum room and board that can be charged is $325 per month. The BC Employment Standards Branch gives more details at www.labour.gov.bc.ca/esb/domestics. Once you pay CPP, income tax, EI and deduct room and board, the cost to employ a 40-hour per week nanny is just over $1200 per month at $8 per hour (for four people living in a household). The cost to hire a nanny increases moderately for every additional person over four living in the household. WCB premiums must also be paid, but they are very reasonable. As an employer you’re responsible for providing a T4 slip to your nanny by the end of February each year and for remitting your CPP, Income Tax and EI to the government every month. Prospective nannies are responsible for paying all of their fees. If they are coming from overseas they will often use an agency in their home country and are required to pay an agency fee of approximately $1,000 to $2,500 Cdn. They are also required to go through a security clearance and medical examination. Most families looking to hire a nanny use an agency. Fees range from approximately $200 to $800 depending on the agency. Fees are only paid upon the hiring of a nanny, and if within three months, the nanny just doesn’t seem a good fit for the family, or she terminates her employment with the family, most agencies will find another nanny for you, without charge. While looking to recruit a nanny, you can work with multiple agencies at one time. If the nanny currently resides oversees, interviews are conducted over the phone, free of charge to you. The agency you work with will provide you with very detailed resumes, including photos of prospective nannies. Once you’ve made the decision to hire a nanny from overseas, it will take about three to four months for your nanny’s paperwork to be completed and for her to arrive in your home. If the nanny is hired locally, someone else has sponsored her to come to Canada, and her previous employer has released her (which can happen for many reasons including financial or interpersonal reasons), she is likely and usually available for work right away and minimal paperwork is required. If you have time, and are paperwork-savvy, you can complete the paperwork yourself without hiring an agency. Check out www.hrsdc.gc.ca/en/epb/lmd/fw/tempOffers.shtml where you’ll find the hiring steps and forms required to hire a foreign worker. One caveat: if the documentation submitted is found to be incomplete, the paperwork will be refused. Although it will cost you a few hundred dollars to retain an agency, it could save you a lot of heartache. If you are recruiting a nanny from overseas you’ll conduct telephone interviews and if your nanny is already local, you’ll conduct face-to-face interviews. The calibre of nanny candidates I interviewed varied, however overall, I was impressed with most of the nannies I interviewed. Key areas of discussion should include: Once your nanny arrives in your home, take a week or two to train her. It’s important to have some time together to get to know each other and for the nanny to get an understanding of the routine in the home, and to feel comfortable with the relationship she is building with your children. If coming from overseas your nanny may have never used a dishwasher, and will likely need training on other household appliances such as the washer, dryer, microwave and garberator – simple luxuries we take for granted. I suggest a Nanny Journal – a notebook with all the information she’ll need to know including emergency contacts, safety issues and daily routines. Making a decision to hire a nanny is a big one. There will be an adjustment period for the entire family, and for your new nanny. Ultimately, you don’t know if you’ve made the right decision until you see her interact with your children, and until you feel comfortable with her living in your home. If your gut tells you she’s the right one, she likely is. From the moment I spoke with our nanny, Mila, my instinct told me she was the right one. Although there was a transition period, my children are in love with her. She is loving and nurturing and follows our household rules with respect to discipline and childcare routines. Unlike a daycare worker, she is able to take our children to church and library story time during the week. She has made the ultimate sacrifice to have left her three children in the Philippines to care for our children, with the goal of applying for Canadian residency for herself and her children. If you treat your nanny as an equal, with respect and like a member of your family, your relationship with her will flourish. And knowing that a wonderful, loving person is caring for your children is peace of mind you can’t pay enough money for. More information on the Live-In Caregiver Program (sometimes referred to as the Domestic Worker Program) can be found at www.hrdc-drhc.gc.ca/redirect_hr.html and www.labour.gov.bc.ca/esb/facshts/domestic.htm. Patricia is the mother of a 15-month-old son. She shares her thoughts on finding a part-time, live-out nanny when her son was eight months old. I developed a serious vision problem when my son was two months old and ended up having a ton of appointments and tests. With no family nearby, we knew we were going to have to find childcare to eventually allow for some flexibility and my eventual return to work. As most parents would likely feel in thinking about not spending every moment with their child, I was completely overwhelmed by the process of finding a nanny. We knew daycare was not yet the best option for us and we hadn’t even begun putting our name on any wait lists. I felt like I knew nothing about the process but thankfully I had seen an ad in Urbanbaby & Toddler magazine and figured I should look into formal nanny services. I also thought to ask a few friends, including Heidi, whom I knew had full- or part-time nannies. What I discovered was that young women from the Philippines often to have friends who are also looking for nanny work. Some are already in Canada and some are in the process of coming. Through friends we were able to get three recommendations for women to interview. We met with them and asked many of the questions Heidi suggests. I strongly recommend talking to anyone you know about their childcare experience whether with a nanny, daycare or otherwise. It starts to get you into the headspace of all there is to know and the eventual surrender that has to happen to leave your child in someone else’s care. We’ve had a very positive experience and have even been able to help friends find nannies. This is strange to me since I had felt so lost about the process in the beginning. But it’s empowering now that I can help others. Our nanny started coming for just a half day per week while I was still on maternity leave. I was able to provide training to her, see her interact with our son and allow him to get used to her before she spent time with him alone. Now our nanny comes threes days per week for six to eight hours per day. When our son is awake she plays with him, feeds and changes him, reads stories and sings, cuddles, goes for walks and takes him to community centre programs. When he’s sleeping, she stays busy cleaning, folding laundry, ironing and doing basic food prep. My husband and I were committed to being patient in the beginning and bringing her up to speed on everything she needed to know. We’ve heard horror stories of nannies being treated like slaves. We have found that a mutually respectful, kind approach is the best way to go. Best of all, the nannies we have had the pleasure to meet have all been very warm and loving women. I wish you well in finding the right childcare for your little one. ------- Spacing your kids: how close in age should they be? When Anna Powell’s* son, Michael, was three, he wanted more than anything to be a big brother. His sister was born the next year and today, almost 35 years later, Michael’s affection for his younger sister remains strong. Is four years the perfect age difference? It depends. Wide Spacing Yet, even the best big brothers can have bad days. “Every now and then, Michael would get very frustrated because his little sister was too little to play the big kid games with him,” says Powell. “It took him a while to understand she’s not growing up as fast as he wanted her to, but then he was fine with it.” And indeed, older siblings like to take the role of the nurturer, although it is wise not to impose it on them. As for the little ones, things seem to work well since they have older siblings as well as parents with whom to interact. Diapers, Diapers Everywhere “Our second daughter was born 20 months after her older sister,” says Lucy Andrews*. “I did not mind having both of them in diapers, and my sleep didn’t suffer much either since I did not get a chance to get used to sleeping through the night yet.” Ever since the younger one started crawling around and walking, Andrews points out, they have become great playmates. “On the other hand,” she says, “there is a 10-year age gap between me and my older sister, and we could not have been better buddies.” One of the major drawbacks, parents say, of having children too close in age is that they are severely sleep-deprived because it takes a while for the children to synchronize their sleep patterns. And until that happens, they will wake each other up. Still, a lot of people opt for having children close together, hoping they will develop a strong relationship. It works for some, and yet many would say that they wished they’d planned for wider spacing between the two. According to a study recently published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, women who conceive within of six months of giving birth have a 40 percent increased risk of giving birth prematurely. While some couples can’t or don’t want to wait 12 months to conceive the next baby, it is always safe to make sure that the mother has enough nutrients to support a new pregnancy, since nutritional reserves tend to be low following pregnancy and breastfeeding. Then again, there are many families with children who are close in age and who are healthy and born-to-term, which contradicts studies like the one above. The bottom line is that if there are no financial concerns or health problems to worry about, it all comes down to having the second baby when both parents are ready. Parents Matter, Too Babies bring joy to a new family, but the relationship between Mom and Dad needs re-adjustment after the first baby. Family planning can be a necessary tool. Do not despair if spacing children doesn’t turn out as planned. What matters most is that you welcome your new family member when she decides to come into the world and do your best as a parent. One of the wisest things ever said to parents who worry about their children being too close or too far apart in age, is that sometimes, despite our intentions, babies have a mind of their own when it comes to family planning. And although most couples have no problem planning their pregnancies, there is still the occasional “slip-up” when the baby just wants to come into the world. Or, on the contrary, there could be years of trying for the second or third baby, even when there are no obvious health problems. All the “perfect planning” anxiety will go away once the baby comes and believe it or not, it will seem like the perfect arrangement all of a sudden. Whenever babies are involved, things have a special way of working out. Love Bites: *Name changed by request. ------ Babysitting 101 … for parents Babysitter Lynn Weiss, 20, is a pro: She’s learned to handle pretty much anything in her eight years of working weekends, holidays, and summer afternoons. But when she was watching three- and five-year-old siblings recently, it was a nightmare of an evening. “They ran around like lunatics. They got ketchup all over the dining room and play dough on the basement carpet. I was mortified.” Their mom, when she got home, didn’t seem to care. She thought Weiss would be happy that she’d told the kids they could do whatever they wanted. Hardly. Weiss never told that mom what she thought – most sitters, teenage or otherwise, wouldn’t dare. But for some insight into what will keep your Saturday-night saviours happy, here’s what they have to say about discipline, respect, and more. Make rules clear up front Letting your children know the babysitter’s in charge, even though it’s their house, can go a long way toward making the night better for all. For example, announce bedtimes in front of everybody to cut fibbing off at the pass. ...punishments, too Write everything down Before the sitter arrives, run through your child’s nightly routine as if you were a stranger, and think up all the questions you’d need answered. She won’t be offended by lots of details. “I once had to interrupt a night at the opera to ask a mom where the Mickey Mouse blanket was,” says Weiss. Print out instructions if your child is on medications. “I’ll feel a whole lot better if I can look at a piece of paper instead of worrying about the exact dosage of two cold medicines, an allergy medicine, and three vitamins,” says Pinneo. Be specific about when to interrupt you. Don’t just say, “Call if you have any questions.” Most sitters won’t – they’ll be too embarrassed or won’t want you to think they’re clueless. Instead, explain exactly when he or she should call, rather than handle it solo. For instance, do you want to be called at every whimper or only when there’s blood? Prep your child Help the sitter avoid stressing out Treat the sitter with respect And if you’re unhappy with anything the sitter does, say so. Perkins used to take a six-year-old girl down the street where her friend babysat a girl the same age. She was mortified when her charge told her they couldn’t go anymore: Her mom didn’t like it. “It was disrespectful of the mom not to tell me herself,” she says. Plan ahead Provide a set of keys in case she needs to take the kids outside for any reason, and show her all the exits from the house. And since cell phones don’t always work, she should have the phone number where you’ll be, and a few neighbours’ numbers. If you want the sitter to give your kids dinner, leave some instructions and enough food. “One time the parents told me to feed, the kids, but there was absolutely nothing in the refrigerator,” says teenage sitter Heather Kryczka. “All the kids wanted to eat was marshmallows.” Leave some sitter-friendly dinners: anything you’ve prepared that she can heat up, boxed macaroni and cheese, canned soup, or leftovers. If the sitter will need money for anything – you ordered pizza – leave cash before you go (and figure in the tip). Put her mind at ease ------ Stranger danger: safety lessons taught early When my oldest son was two, he got lost in a department store. Fortunately, we found him in a matter of minutes (it seemed like hours to me) with the help of one man – a stranger! – who happened to witness our desperation. During those very long moments, my mind froze and refused to think about the unthinkable. Soon after reuniting with my son, I planned to talk to him about getting lost and about strangers. As sad as I felt to break into his peaceful world where everybody was a potential friend, I was also adamant that he had to learn that, unfortunately, not everyone is your friend. Where do we start in teaching our young children about stranger danger? How do we define stranger and danger if we have to come up with a definition that includes both? From the newborn stage, your child distinguishes between familiar and not-so-familiar faces. By the time he’s approximately four months old, your baby will not only recognize familiar faces but also let strangers know if they have no business being in his face, or holding him. Toddlers and preschoolers can be either shy or very friendly with people they don’t know. We want our children to be polite and friendly, yet wary of strangers and able to say no to advances in the shape of sweets, pets or other temptations that appeal to toddlers. Start them young “Children should be told about relationships from the moment they can understand what you are saying,” says Heather Shaw, a preschool teacher in Vancouver. As soon as your child is old enough to understand what family means, start teaching him that in the “mom, dad and the kids” group there hugs and kisses because that is a family. The immediate family, meaning grandparents, aunts and uncles, are also part of the family but hugging is optional. “Don’t force children to give hugs or kisses to relatives, no matter how close you are to them or how long it’s been since you’ve seen them,” says Shaw. You, as the parent, have to protect your child from overwhelming experiences. Sometimes, a handshake or a high five is all the child can handle in terms of physical contact, and they should be allowed to do that, Shaw adds. Friends come next, and with them, waving and talking (and maybe handshakes and hugs if the child feels comfortable) is fine. And that’s where it stops. The rest of the world gets no hugs, kisses or any other kind of physical contact from your child. The rest of the world is just strangers as far as your child is concerned. Which is why you should teach your child what a stranger looks like. Portrait of a stranger? “It is important that you don’t scare the child into believing that strangers are up to no good,” Shaw says. After all, you do talk to strangers, too, your child will say. Yes, saying hello to people or stopping for a few short moments to talk to someone about their garden is nice, but you should explain to your child that you are an adult and you know how to keep safe. Being friendly is nice, but as a rule, children must know that they should not follow any strangers no matter how nice and friendly they are. Remind them regularly that they should always ask you before they go anywhere with anyone. Keep in mind, Shaw adds, that potentially dangerous strangers could also be people that the child knows, or people she doesn’t know who wear outfits that inspire trust, such as police officers, for example. Therefore, says Shaw, at around age three, parents should start playing the game “What if?” with their children. It goes like this: “What if the postman invites you to go get an ice cream. Do you go?”. At first, expect your child to give the wrong answer: “Yes.” That’s because he believes all people are good and honest and an ice cream could only mean that. Continue the game until your child will answer, without being helped or hinted to give the right answer: that she will not go anywhere with anyone unless she asks her mommy or daddy first. Pick me up “Every person except for the parents, be it grandparents, nannies or babysitters must have a criminal background check by the police before they are allowed to participate in the school activities and spend time with the kids on the school premises,” says Shaw. Also, she adds, the parent who signs the child in, also writes down who will pick the child up. Make sure the childcare place your little ones attend has a good policy regarding non-family caregivers and find out what the regulations are when it comes to people other than the parents picking the child up. If there is any circumstance when you cannot get to school in time, school personnel should be informed about who will pick the child up, so they can prepare her in advance. For older children, Shaw advises, it is best to establish a secret code word that only you, the child and the person who will pick the child up from school knows. My space, my body Children should be taught that each person, young and old, has specific body parts that are private. And privacy is a word they understand quite easily once Mommy goes for a closed-bathroom-door policy no matter how much begging and banging goes on outside the door. Explain to your child that everyone has the right to enjoy his or her private time in the bathroom. And then move on to one’s body. Once they understand that their private body parts are not to be touched by anyone else but themselves or the doctor, only with the parents’ approval, children should be able to tell if someone is not respecting their privacy. Make sure you explain to the child that he has to respect someone else’s private space and private areas, too. An open, trusting relationship between parent and child also helps the child feel comfortable to share any possible intrusions into her private space by anyone. One thing a lot of parents forget to teach their little ones is that sometimes the person who might invade their private space could be someone close like a friend or even a family member. Encourage your child to talk about anything and everything. Yes, it is true that some days you wish for just a few quiet moments but you don’t want to miss on having your child share his feelings, and his life’s little adventures. Don’t wait until your child is older to explain about keeping safe from strangers. Start early, and yes, like most things you say to toddler or preschooler, repeat yourself. Safety means being prepared, and keeping our little ones safe and happy is our most important job. |
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