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Amy* approached her impending motherhood with her trademark determination. The 33-year-old diligently attended pre-natal classes, started an RESP, and read The Happiest Baby on the Block, reciting the "5 S"s to anyone who would listen. So nobody was more surprised than Amy herself when, after the birth of her son Dexter, she was like a deer caught in the headlights.

"I felt quite clueless, which for a control freak like me is pretty devastating," Amy admits candidly, bouncing now five-month-old Dexter easily on her hip. "Every time we went out I'd obsess about when he'd next need to eat, sleep, or have his diaper changed. The only time I felt relaxed was when he was asleep, and the only time I felt in control was when we stayed at home. For the first couple of months, I was vibrating."

A Perfect Storm
As a counsellor, I work frequently with women in the year post-partum to help them manage the impact on their moods, relationships, and identities. Most new mothers experience anxiety over the adjustment of having a new baby. This includes worrying and feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities a new baby brings. And for good reason: you are going though massive hormonal fluctuations, spending nine hours a day breastfeeding, and you haven't slept for longer than 90 minutes at a time since the baby was born.

"I've done two graduate degrees, and the hardest skill I've ever had to acquire was breastfeeding," says Lenore,* a 38-year-old first-time mom, wryly. There is no way to escape the fact that the first weeksÑand, for some women, monthsÑof parenthood present you with the steepest learning curve of your life.

Carla,* aged 34, told me: "After Beatrice was born I felt like I'd finally gotten my dream job, only to show up the first day and realize that I was undertrained, overworked, and facing a huge project on my desk needing my attention now." With such sweeping changes, the conditions are ripe for anxiety to flourish. While some anxiety is normal, sometimes it can get more invasive than you'd like it to be, interfering with your mental and emotional well-being.

Worrying: Reality or Perception?
"What if she's always going to be this bad of a sleeper?" "What if this cold turns into pneumonia?" "He's five months and he still hasn't rolled over Ñwhat if he's not developing correctly?"

Worrying thoughts can be so automatic that they quickly become ingrained beliefs that you accept as truth. New parents seem particularly prone to catastrophizing ("what-if" type thoughts about worst-case scenarios), personalizing (tending to blame yourself for any concerning behaviour), and making faulty assumptions, often based on fear and/or insecurities. Try looking at your thoughts as statements passing through your mind rather than absolute truths. Indeed, while some worries are legitimate, others are loaded with our baggage from the past, worst fears about the future, and current sensitivities. As one mom put it, "My worrying thoughts were leading me around like a puppy pulling its owner on the other end of the leash. I felt much better once I learned simple Ôleash-training': how to slow, stop, or change the direction of my thoughts." The key lies in not eliminating anxietyÑit is, after all, part of the package deal of being humanÑbut rather learning to control it, rather than allowing it to control your life.

How Our Life Stories Influence Worrying
Pay attention not just to the content of worries, but also to the context--what provokes them? Jana, a 28-year old first-time mom noticed that when she was alone with her baby she felt confident and positive about her parenting. However, when she was around other people, she found herself feeling self-conscious about her parenting, and at times even defensive. When we explored this curious pattern, Jana* realized that her own mother is quite critical of her. When Jana became aware of this dynamic, she was able to restore her sense of confidence and feel less judged by others. Understanding your own sensitivities will help you understand why some of your concerns seem to continually pop up, and can help you to be more objective and less reactive.

Other Coping Strategies
Anxiety tends to thrive when you are alone, ruminating. Isolation can lead anxiety to invite her closest friend's boredom, depression, and irritability to come around. Reach out! Join a group for new mothers or find out where the closest drop-in is for new parents. You can combine exercise--a great antidote to what ails you--with socializing in mom-and-baby fitness courses. Don't wait for your partner to offer to watch the baby--book some time for yourself and take it!

Kim, age 30, reflects that she was not prepared for the fundamental changes parenthood would bring to her relationship with her husband: "We became like business partners: efficient and functional, but not very sexy." Start to go on regular dates with your partner, even if it's just a walk around the neighbourhood. Take up those well-meaning friends and family members on their offers to watch the baby--it is worth it.

The Bottom Line
Anxiety is a normal biological and emotional response to perceived threat, change, or uncertainty. In fact, anxiety can be a good thing when it pushes you to aspire towards reasonable and measured goals for yourself. However, the intensity of love you feel for your baby can up the pressure you put on yourself, sometimes to unrealistic standards. Guilt, resentment, and exhaustion are natural byproducts of these high self-expectations. It is important for you to give yourself permission to be imperfect, and to ask for help when you need it.

At the end of the day, babies will be babies: despite your best efforts, they will sometimes cry, refuse to sleep, and get weird rashes. Sometimes, all you can do is invoke my favourite parenting adage: "tomorrow is another day."

If you are experiencing intense and pervasive anxiety symptoms, you may be suffering from postpartum anxiety. If you suspect this is the case, contact your doctor.

*All of the names of women interviewed for this article have been changed to protect their privacy.

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Urbanbaby & Toddler Magazine, 2012
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